CO-GrumpyGranny

Going...Going...Gone

2009-04-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

Wow. I never thought I would leave Blogger, but here I go. I have everything pretty much up and running at the new place, so if you've enjoyed my little rants and observatons, and the stories of this grumpy granny and her handywoman wife, then I hope you'll follow me over there and let me know what you think.

Otherwise, it's been fun, and I have learned a ton o' stuff and made some wonderful blog friends who I hope to meet one day IRL--you know who you are!

TTFN,
GG

Almost Done

2009-04-04T06:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been testing things over at WordPress and while I still don't like it as well as Blogger, I think that I'll be switching over. I'll miss not having my slideshow, and probably can't put my moon widget there (sigh), but I do feel like I'll have more control over my privacy, etc. and that is a good thing.

So, if you want to check out the new site and comment on it, it's right over here. I'll also be able to add separate pages and tabs, which I never figured out how to do in Blogger.

I look forward to seeing all of you there!

Peace,
GG

Almost Forgot

2009-04-02T06:02:00.000-07:00

I put this on my FB page, but not here. G and I are featured on QueerEyeCandy today! You've probably seen the photos before, but check them out anyway!

Happy days...

GG

Something May Be Going

2009-04-01T18:54:00.000-07:00

The deciding factor really is being able to password protect individual posts. And add pages easily. So, I think I may be following some of my blog friends over to WordPress, which would be here, which right now is just up to date with this blog minus this one post.

I'm still thinking about it, but right now I have to go watch Lost, which is just about how I feel contemplating all this.

More later...somewhere...

GG

Remembrances

2009-03-31T05:49:00.001-07:00

Today is my 2nd husband's birthday. Had he chosen not to drink himself out of this world at age 44, he would have been 51, but even so, wouldn't still be married. Though it's nearly impossible to think that he has been dead for nearly 7 years.

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday. She would have been 77.

In a lot of ways, they reminded me of each other.

Perhaps more on these later.

GG

Monday, Monday

2009-03-30T09:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things do work out. I was supposed to be working today so that I could take Wednesday off to take G to a dental appoinment at the VA in Denver to check on the progress of her getting permanent implants. However, we were looking at the paperwork last night, and she noticed that the letter we thought was a confirmation of that appointment was actually a CANCELLATION notice! Yay! Still, I worked for a couple of hours earlier, just in case that letter was a mistake, knowing the VA. But we've just confirmed it, so I can kick back the rest of the day. AND, as I watched through my little basement window, the weather got darker and darker, even though there had been a little bit of weak sunshine this morning, till it was snowing to near-white-out conditions. I've added a few pics, and used a flash on a couple of them, so you can see the snow coming down, and some of our avian visitors...

Happy, Snowy, Monday,

GG

Our poor peach trees:

The finches are really getting red--you know what that means...

The redwinged black birds are a bit too big for this feeder--but they don't let that stop them!

Snow in the medicine wheel:

And in the newest garden in front (bye-bye lawn!):
And, our snowy porch:

Happy Cowboy Hat Day!

2009-03-27T05:58:00.001-07:00

Last week, Tina threw down a challenge to wear your cowboy hat this week. Well, here's mine. It's not "quite" a cowboy hat (I'm the one with the scarf), but the folks in Spain definitely called me a "cowboy" when I told them I was from Colorado, so I guess it counts. This is the best hat I've ever had and I love it to bits. If you like it, it can be found at the San Diego Hat Company along with many other fine chapeaux.

Happy Hat Day!

GG

Would You Believe...

2009-03-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

...Butt Paste???? I ran into this while transcribing yesterday and it is an ACTUAL medical product.

Syd....wherefore are thou, Syd????

Still laughing,

GG

Holding Her

2009-03-25T15:19:00.000-07:00

The other day,
Out of nowhere
I wanted a hug.
We were busy;
Life crackled around us,
It's Spring and
The seeds are sprouting and
The house wants cleaning and
The new stove is still being broken in and
There are grandkids to look after and
All that.

I was in the kitchen.
She was buzzing around me
Like the bees we keep finding
In the kitchen sink.
She handed me something (probably something to put away),
And flitted into the other room
To work on yet another quilting project.

I felt empty. I wanted her there, in front of me,
Waiting to be embraced.
"Can't I have a hug?" I pleaded.
Immediately she came back to me;
Moved into my hungry arms.

The uninitiated and unknowing say,
How can two women "fit"?
The parts aren't "right".
They just don't know.
Our bodies flow and merge together
Because we are the same; we mesh and mingle
Morph and move until there is no space between us.

I am 5 inches taller than she is.
Her head rests just exactly under my chin
And on "the shelf".
Our bellies are made to cuddle each other.
We fuse, chin over head, cheek to hair, breast to cheek, to breast to belly to thigh all the way to the floor, like two trees suddenly growing together out of one trunk.
Even our roots I can feel twining together.

It happens in seconds. It lasts for the whole day.
That's how I hug my wife.

Dirty Words

2009-03-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

I don't mean "four-letter" dirty words. I mean words that dig you, poke and prod you, words that sit with you like a splinter under your skin, that make you do things you don't want to do, that irk you like an itch you just can't....quite...scratch.

My word is "responsible". I was christened with that word at 4 years of age (maybe before, but I don't remember) when my first brother was born. It was reinforced twice more when 2 more siblings followed: a sister when I was 6 and another brother when I was 8. My parents were the traditional 1950s couple when I was little. My father worked and my mother stayed home and took care of us. And I helped, as the little girl in the Shake & Bake commercial was so fond of saying.

"You're responsible," they said. YOU have to be good. YOU have to set the example, do well in school, don't talk back, don't make a fuss. No, you can't have that, go there, do that, because there's 3 more of you kids and YOU'RE the responsible one. So, I was. I was "good". I always remembered that there were others who needed more, wanted more, and maybe deserved more than me, so I learned not only not to ask for what I wanted, I learned not to WANT what I wanted. I did what was expected, and thought that WAS what I wanted. I was responsible.

When I first started kindergarten, my family lived out in a rather barren area on the outskirts of Oklahoma City. I know it was very close to the airport because when the planes flew over to land, it seemed to me that their shadows blotted out the entire back yard. I know my mother had to put down the telephone if she was talking until the plane flew over. It was that loud.

I rode the bus to kindergarten, which I caught at the top of our dead-end street. I remember there being vast prairie all around and this street with maybe 10 houses on it just sort of stuck out in the middle of nowhere. Our back fence was barbed wire and there were cows on the other side.

The first day I went to school, my mother sent me out the door and told me to follow all the other kids and get on the bus and get off where they did. Nowadays everyone makes such a huge deal of taking their kids to school, videoing the event, pictures for posterity, and I just got told good bye and the bus stop is up the street. I don't blame my mother--after all, she had a barely 2 year old and a baby either on the way or in the crib, and it was maybe only 4 houses up the street.

So, I followed the kids, and got on the bus and went to school, dutiful child that I was. Only trouble was, I had never ridden a bus before, and I never paid attention to the orientation of our street when riding in the car, and I had obviously never come home from that school before, so when school got out and I got on the bus to come home, I didn't know where to get off. I just kept riding the bus. I remember it was raining, and at some point, the bus pulled over and there was my mother, in the car, with the wipers flailing, having to come rescue me from the bus. After that, I learned when to get off the bus.

Even though there were only a few houses between ours and the bus stop, there was one that I didn't like. This house had bigger kids and a big dog that liked to chase people. I never liked walking past that house because the older kids loved nothing better than to "accidentally" let the dog out to chase me. It wasn't a mean dog, but that doesn't matter to a little kid when the dog's teeth are eye level to you. One morning, the kids let the dog out when they were leaving to get on the bus. I had told my mother and she just told me to not run, but just to walk quietly and the dog would leave me alone. I tried to do this but I can still remember the fear that coursed through my entire body. It must have been pretty obvious because those kids laughed their heads off.

Worse, when I got to the school, as I was walking around the bus, I tripped over one of those cement dividers between parking spaces and did a nice header onto the asphalt parking lot. I was such a graceful kid. Oh, that was great for a ton of laughs. I picked myself up and went into the kindergarden class, knees bleeding and dress all messed up. I remember the look of kindness and sympathy on the teacher's face. Even though she didn't leave the class room with me, she told me to go wash up in the rest room. It was empty because class had started and as I sat in the stall washing off my stinging knees, I wanted nothing more than to call my mother and have her take me home. My knees and hands hurt from falling but worse, my heart hurt from having all those kids laugh at me. But I knew I couldn't even ask to call her because she was taking care of my brother and sister and didn't have time to come and get me. I had to be "responsible". And so I was.

This was my mantra growing up and well into my adult life. Now, I have nothing agains personal responsibility, and I do believe we all ultimately make our choices in life, but I am frankly tired of the word "responsible".

Recently, I had a "bust-up" with my siblings and I was informed that I guess I'm "responsible" for my sisters perceived "failings" in her life because I'm too "intimidating". I have no idea what that means. My own perception is that because we are 6 years apart, we weren't that close growing up. I was in college before she started high school. I was married to my abusive first husband while she was running around doing whatever it was she did during those times. See, I don't even remember, I was too busy trying to avoid emotional and physical abuse at the hands of a maniac, so I don't see how that bad choice could have intimitated anyone. I completely screwed up my life for a long time, yet she thinks I sat in judgment of her, apparently. Trust me, she and my brothers were the LAST things I thought of, except when my Ex would threaten them or my parents, I would do whatever it was he wanted so he would "behave". Because I was "responsible" and I didn't want anything to happen to the people I loved.

In fact, I had a baby because he threatened to skip bail and put my parents' house in jeopardy if I didn't shut up and get pregnant. I sure didn't want that to happen, and since I knew they never wanted me to marry him in the first place (and they were right), I couldn't just go to them and tell them this (in my mind), I had to be "responsible" and keep my end of the bargain. So, baby it was.

Yeah, responsible.

I hate that word.

States of Mind on Monday

2009-03-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

Stolen from Tina, of course...and because I couldn't figure out how to UNDERLINE just one state without underlining the whole block of text, I made the states I've lived in larger and a different color. If someone could help me with my underlining I'd be most grateful!

Bold the states you’ve been to, underline the states you’ve lived in and italicize the state you’re in now…

Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C

Happy Monday!

GG

Damn, I just realized I left out "coloring" Texas (where I was born) and Oklahoma (where I lived for 6 years)! I must be getting old or something....

Some Things to be Happy About on Sunday

2009-03-22T12:15:00.000-07:00

Sleeping till I woke up with no alarm.

Overcast morning, with rain possible.

Long bike ride (just under 10 miles) with no feeling of lung collapse, and only stopping once to have a drink of water and once when I turned around to come home.

Being able to see 3 separate mountain ranges on said ride--The Spanish Peaks, the Sangre de Cristos, and the Wet Mountains.

Fitting into a pair of jeans that I bought almost 3 years ago that have never "quite" fit.

Bees in the peach tree blossoms!

Some "me" time in the house (G. went to rototill for a friend).

Free range eggs and Whole Foods olive bread.

Music on the stereo.

Sorting, cleaning and clearing books, clothes and other stuff on my own time.

Warm enough, despite clouds, to have the windows open.

Good blogs to read.

Leading a Trend?

2009-03-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

Couple of months ago, I got a notice in the mail that my United Sky Miles were going to expire. Fancy that, I didn't even know I HAD United Sky Miles! However, in this mailing, they were offering that I could swap my miles to subscribe to some magazines, and they had a few there that I liked, so what the heck.

One of the magazines I chose was More, which is supposedly a magazine for women over 40, but still along the lines of "Glam0ur" etc.--fashion, make-up, yadda yadda, but with a twist on the "executive" woman if you will. I take any magazine who offers up blue jeans for the high side of $200.00 with a large grain of salt. What planet are these people on, anyway? Still, I thought, why not see how the other half lives?

Imagine my surprise when I got the last issue with Jeanne Tripplehorn on the cover, with an article entitled, "Over 40 and Over Men"! Wow. An entire article in a "mainstream" magazine dedicated to women coming out later in life and finding their true love with another woman. I thought, okay, you've just won me over. Having Dara Torres on the cover of THIS month's issue didn't hurt, either!

Then, I was checking out this great site, Autostraddle, when I see a link there to an article about how O! magazine has also "discovered" lesbians! My goodness. In all my maverick little life, I never thought I would be part of a "trend". Guess I'll stay tuned and just see what happens!

Have a great weekend,

GG

E-mail MeMe

2009-03-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

Got this in e-mail today. I may have to tag someone...

You're it!!! If you opened it, you have to do it (it only takes a couple minutes... promise!) Then, send it back to the person who sent it to you and to the rest of your friends.

Five names you go by:
Linda, Linda Mc, the Hornet, Iggy, Grumpy Granny.

Three things you are wearing right now:
Blue sweats, green sweater, red-plaid scarf. I love working from home!

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. To figure out the HTML coding on this damn post.
2. For my "allergy eyes" to quit acting up.
3. For my left leg to quit hurting.

Two people who will probably fill this out:
I'll tag 5, but if they don't do it, no problem!

Two things you did last night?
Rode my bike and watched Dancing with the Stars.

Two things you ate today:
Tortilla Espanola and a pear.

Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. Lady at the VA Hospital for directions.
2. Lady at my bank re: my new debit card. I talk on the phone a lot (NOT)!

Two things you are doing tomorrow:
Going to Denver. Coming back from Denver.

Two longest car rides:
1. Family trip from Atlanta, GA to Oshkosh, WI to go to the EAA Fly-in when I was in the 10th grade. We camped there and back. OMG.
2. Toss up between A) Driving from St. Louis, MO to Pueblo in 1 day with a 2-year old, a pregnant daughter and her grumpy boyfriend; and B) a bus ride across Spain when I had to leave because of hurting my foot.

Two of your favorite beverages:
Water and coffee.

I tag:
1. Tina, 'cause I just LURRVE her.
2. Janet 'cause sometimes she's just too serious...but I LURVE her, too!
3. That Old Crone, 'cause I think she might need a break...
4. Small Town Dyke, 'cause I appreciate her comments. AND
5. QueerRose, 'cause I don't think I've ever tagged her before!

And there ya have it!

GG

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

2009-03-17T06:12:00.001-07:00

Good thing I changed my colors a week or so ago! Here's to the Irish in all of us on this day!

Random stuff this morning. I'm waiting for work to load, but happy for a brief respite. G actually did NOT paint the living room ceiling yesterday, she finished a quilt that she was working on and had to put all the books back on the bookcase.

I was totally wiped after work yesterday, but I FORCED myself to get out the bike as it was a perfect day for a ride. This is the second time I've taken it out this spring, and I was surprised that hills, etc. seem a bit easier than when I last rode it over a year ago. This is a bicycle, by the way, not a motorcycle. I'm thinking an after work bike ride a few times a week is a good thing. I must admit I felt much better when I got back.

Then G and I went for Mexican food, and I came home to watch my favorite "Dancing With the Stars". I'm just a sucker for that show, what can I say? During the show, I sorted my cookbooks and actually pulled a few off the shelves for release, along with some kiddie books that the boys have outgrown. We'll probably donate them to the library's used book store, "Books Again".

I'm also determined to go through my clothes and get rid of items that I haven't worn in ages and am not likely to wear. I guess the Spring Cleaning bug can bite even me!

In other news, it's just a month till my 30th college reunion, and I am now really looking forward to it. I am only going for a long weekend and I won't be seeing or talking to any of my siblings, so that will take off some obligations. Long story there that may or may not be blogged about. Suffice to say right now it's a relief. Still debating whether to check a bag or ship it UPS. Time will tell. I'm already packing in my head.

Well, guess I'd better go see why I'm not getting any work. I feel weird when I'm not typing my little fingers off!

Laters,
GG

Today

2009-03-16T11:59:00.000-07:00

Today I am working, swapping to have Thursday off so that I can take G to Denver for more medical appointments, not knee-related. So far, I have typed nearly 800 lines (daily goal 1200). So far today, SHE has put together an entire drip-irrigation system for the yard, and from the sounds I hear above me, I would deduce that she is now painting the living room ceiling.

We did get the 4th wall of the living room painted yesterday and the color scheme is working (photos later). I have a bookcase full of books (mostly cookbooks) to sort through to decide if I want to keep them all. She said "Take your time." But I know there is a limit on that because she can only look at stacks of anything for so long before it must be dealt with. I'll do my best to take care of them, as they are all my books.

I will try to get a walk in or some kind of exercise, but will probably be so pooped after sitting here all day that I'll talk myself out of it.

Bad me. And with a college reunion coming up in just 1 month.

It's a Monday for sure...

GG

She Passed!!!

2009-03-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

Yep, she did it. I checked the scores for her online last night and it's official. My daughter has passed all the tests (5) for her GED!!!! Yay! She was so thrilled. They will have a graduation ceremony on May 8 and we are all going to clap and cheer. Her boys are very proud of her, too.

Everyone needs a cheering section at their graduation, don't you think??

Whooo hooo!!

GG

Say A Prayer, Light A Candle...(with update)

2009-03-14T08:38:00.000-07:00

...and kill a chicken. My daughter's taking her final test for her GED as I type this. She's left the math for last, hoping that all the other scores would give her a high enough average if she bombed the math. However, I don't think she's going to bomb it. I think she's going to pass with a higher score than she imagines. After that, she wants to enroll in the local community college and study radiology. All this while getting married, taking on 2 more kids and finally dealing with being on an ankle bracelet for a DUI she had FOUR YEARS* ago. But you know, by the time she's done with that (April 27), she'll have her GED and be ready to move on with her life.

Go her!

GG

*She had the DUI 4 years ago. She's only been on the ankle bracelet since February 27. She had worked in the court system hoping to get the charge reduced or dropped, but after 4 years, just decided to get it over with. Just as well.

She Brought Me...

2009-03-13T12:55:00.001-07:00

...a mocha MOO-LATTE from DQ when she went to pick up the boys. Ooooh, can you say YUMMY???

My baby loves me! And she knows what helps get me through a Friday, typing these weird-ass medical notes!!

Happy Friday the 13th (again)!

GG

May I Just Say...?

2009-03-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

...that THIS CD:

is just about THE most romantic music ever? I have quite a few of his CDs but this one, it's just amazing. Take a listen below. The CD I have doesn't have the rain effects, but still hauntingly lovely. And yes, "date night" was a total success!!

Smilin'
GG

I've Got...

2009-03-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

...a date tonight...hee hee....

Candles...music...fuzzies on the bed...maybe a dip in the hot tub...

:::doin' the happy dance:::

GG

Don't Try to Change Anyone, Just Live Your Own Dream

2009-03-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned Abraham here before. Abraham is a collective nonphysical being that is channeled through a woman named Esther Hicks. You can find them at www.abraham-hicks.com. I don't know if this woman REALLY "channels" anything. I can only say that when I listen to the words, I feel such inner peace and harmony. She or they SO echo what I have believed since I got here, but can't seem to articulate, that I don't really care if there is a "collective nonphysical being" or if Esther Hicks is just the wisest woman on the planet.

Here is a little less-than-10-minute video of Abraham speaking about gay rights via Esther. Or maybe it's just Esther speaking. Either way, take the time to watch it all. It's worth it.

What?

2009-03-10T08:25:00.000-07:00

So, I just got a call from GS2 (age 6) in kindergarten. Seems his class is making volcanoes and he wanted me or G to come to be a "gramma helper" to help paint them. Unfortunately, I'm working and G is still asleep and we didn't know about this till just now. So, I had to let him down gently, but he was okay with it:

Me: "Well, honey, maybe we can come help you with another project if you let us know about it, okay?"

GS2: "Ok, gramma, ciao! Do you know what 'ciao' means?"

Me: "Yes, honey, it means 'bye-bye'."

GS2: "Uh-huh, so ciao!"

Click.

I'm left shaking my head at the telephone.

GG

'Round Town

2009-03-08T11:37:00.000-07:00

Friday night, G and I went to meet some of the ladies at Pueblo's First Friday Art Walk in Pueblo's Historic Union Avenue District:

It started here where one of our friends displays her work. We have several of her pieces, but she had some newer things that reflect a bit of a different style, which I loved. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to buy any art right now, so I'll just have to visit the gallery more often.

As we were walking to the restaurant for dinner, I realized what a cool little place this area of Pueblo is. We've often said that if we ever did give up the house and "go condo" this area would be the place we'd want to be. A while back (probably a year or so), I got out early on a Sunday morning and took some photos:

This is the Bessemer Ditch, an irrigation aqueduct that runs from the Pueblo Reservoir all the way out into eastern Pueblo County where the farms are. In the house where I lived when I first moved to Pueblo, the ditch was literally by back yard. The dome-topped building in the distance is a museum about the CF&I Steel Mill, which still operates in Pueblo under the name of Oregon Steel now. Once upon a time, Pueblo was nearly the biggest city in Colorado because of the mill, and Mr. Bessemer, for whom the ditch and my area of Pueblo is named, is known for a particular steel-making process that he perfected at this mill. Lots of history here in this little town!

Moving towards downtown from here takes you through one of my favorite areas of town, Mesa Junction:
This is a view looking towards the city proper, which is actually down in the river valley. One of the reasons the dam and reservoir were built back when was to stop the tendency of the river to flood out the town every so often. In this area is some really cool architecture:

This building now houses a new favorite coffee shop, The Loft, along with other businesses, and has apartments above. I think having one of those big, round windows would be amazing! Across the street from this building, out of the picture on the right, is one of my VERY favorite places in town, the Pueblo Rawlings Library:

One of the things I noticed about Pueblo when I moved here was that the library (a much older building then) was always very, VERY busy. Kids, adults, elders, and everyone in between were always there. Parking spaces filled up and even the bike racks were full. Several years ago, it became clear that Pueblo was outgrowing its library, and an initiative went on the ballot to actually increase a sales tax to build a new one (above) and it passed! I was very proud of Pueblo when that happened. The new building is on the same site as the old one, centrally located, and I love it. Some people complained, of course, that it was too "modern" but since its opening, the library has definitely become a fixture in the heart of Pueblo. Here are a couple more views, of the "hangover" end and from the back:

Leaving the Junction to head downtown, you cross over the Main Street Bridge:

This bridge is relatively new, having been "re-vamped" right after I moved here. Because there are actually 2 rivers that run through the city of Pueblo, the Arkansas and the Fountain (aka Fountain "creek"), there are numerous bridges. I remember when I got my first "real" job here, I was actually working on Main Street. I laughed about that to myself, having come from Atlanta where it took nearly an hour just to drive to a grocery store, here I was in Small Town America, working on Main Street.

The taller steeple-looking structure in the distance is the top of City Hall, located on Union Avenue. As you follow the bridge, the Union Avenue district begins to come into view:The tall building on the left is the Union Depot, with a shot of Pike's Peak to the north. The depot used to be an actual train depot, where folks would wait for trains. Now, the trains still go by, but they are freight trains and passenger trains no longer stop in Pueblo. I think that's a bit sad.

The actual depot building, however, has been reclaimed, and it houses several condos on the top, various offices in the middle, and on the ground level, has a banquet/party space that is often rented out for weddings, parties and other city functions:

Of course, my favorite part of this area, is the statue of Diana which was donated to Pueblo by our "sister" city in Mexico:

OH! the "hoo-ha" that went on in the paper and around town when this lovely lady arrived! The IDEA of a naked statue in the middle of town?? Dear God, you would have thought the sky was falling. There was initially a big push to remove the sculpture but saner heads prevailed and now she, too, has become a Pueblo fixture.

Finally, here are a few other shots of the Union Avenue area. It's a funky little place, just a couple of streets, with shops, bars, restaurants, coffee houses and of course, the River Walk which follows part of the original course of the river through town, though under much more controlled conditions!

I love this part of town, but there are plenty of areas around this relatively small place with equal character. Pueblo is a town that's full of history, a multi-ethnic population that came here because of the mining and the steel mill, and an amazing amount of beauty. Like all places, it has its problems and it's far from perfect, but after living here for 16 years, while I know I will always want to travel, I have finally found a place that I can call "home".

GG

Keeping Hope

2009-03-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

It's currently 9:37 MST here in Pueblo. Oral arguments on the Proposition 8 debacle will begin in California in half an hour.

You can watch here if you have the time or the stomach:

Watch live at eqca.org

Here's hoping love will triumph and all the marriages will stand.

Mark and Mark, I'm thinking of you!

GG

Poem for February

2009-03-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

Even though it's now March, and even though it's almost summer-like here, this is for those who are waiting for spring:

Whisper

I stood at dusk to watch dark creep
Down a moment later than the night before.
Rags of snow tugged my shoes;
The pearl grey eastern sky
Soothed me with budding calm.

Sharp-toothed wind cut through
The shawl tossed swiftly on,
But beneath the threatened chill
Lay a touch of warmth,
Spring's first whispered secret
Melting snow like cotton candy on the tongue.

The grass is brown and dead.
Garden earth, stone to the shovel;
But tonight, seconds shorter than the last,
Has given itself away:
The Light returns
And we turn, too,
Once more to warmth
And growth

Eggs, Bees, and other Miscellaneous Items

2009-03-02T19:01:00.000-08:00

When G. started her physical therapy, she discovered that one of the ladies in the office keeps chickens and sells eggs. So, now, instead of buying eggs that come from who-knows-where from chickens that are treated who-knows-how, we get these beautiful eggs for about $3.00 a dozen:

The egg on the first row, second from the right, is almost the same color as G. painted the two end walls of the living room this weekend:

Facing the kitchen:

Facing the front of the house:

Then, today, when we were running around, I found these really cool light switch plates:
and:

Finally, it was about 80 degrees in Pueblo today. Even before this warm spell, we've been chasing honey bees out of the house on a regular basis. We encourage bees with everything we plant, and always welcome them, but we don't necessarily want them IN the house. I was outside doing a little meditation in the back garden, and I swear one of the bees must of thought my blue and purple tie-tied shirt was a flower. It was like a little dog who wanted to follow me home. I finally got in the house without it, only to find yet ANOTHER honeybee in the kitchen window over the sink. I got that one outside in a plastic cup with a piece of paper over it, but then found more in the sink having drowned.

If anyone has any clues to this bee behavior, please enlighten me!

Happy Monday!

GG

Food For Thought

2009-03-01T11:19:00.000-08:00

"Each person sees things in his own way... Each person develops a vision of past events that he can live with, and put to the rack, that's the version that he tells. Ultimately, it becomes his truth."

--Dr. Rose, from Elizabeth George's "Traitor To Memory"

This quotation has become particularly relevant in my own life, suddenly. There may or may not be more on this at some point.

I Almost Forgot...

2009-02-26T19:44:00.000-08:00

Painting playlist:

"Lucky" Melissa Ethridge
"The Traveling Willburys, Vol 1 and 3" The Traveling Wilburys (1 CD)
"Retrospective" The Indigo Girls
"Blue Moon Swamp" John Fogarty (I lurrve me some John Fogarty!)
"Laundry Service" Shakira

Those'll get a room painted in a hurry!

GG

Weekend Project

2009-02-25T13:25:00.001-08:00

This is what we (mostly I, believe it or not) did on Sunday:

This was our living room wall, as you can see, at the beginning of January, with the Christmas slipcovers on the couch. We had already picked out the new colors we (I) wanted to switch the room out to:

The little candle holder was my daughter's Christmas present to us. Not sure where it's going after we're done painting, but we like it--the little candles are actually electric (battery powered). I don't mind painting, am actually a pretty good painter, but painting is the easy part. Getting READY to paint is a bitch, such as moving the furniture (slipcovers now gone):

Taping around the edges:
And then, putting a decent coat of Kilz primer over the red to negate it. I probably didn't need to do that, since I was going over it with a darker color, but I HATE color bleed through, sure sign of a piss-poor paint job. So, priming was necessary:

Then, FINALLY, you can get to the business of actually painting, and see how it's going to come out:

And, minus the tape with the furniture mostly back in place:
Of course, during the course of all this, G had to make a trip to Lowe's, and what does she find? A gallon of the 2nd color we wanted, right paint, right finish, in the mistint section where someone had brought it back. For way less than half of what we paid for this gallon.

Since most of our house was done in mistints from other people's mistakes, it was only fitting. We'll use that lighter color on the 2 end walls, and then a color that's in-between the two on the wall across from the couch. After that, we can rehang all our art work and it'll be like living in a new house!

Always a new project going chez GG & G!

Tuesday Was Better

2009-02-25T06:08:00.000-08:00

My glasses are fixed. They weren't really "broken" just the tiny little screw on the right side got loose and the lens fell out. Had to take them to the store, though, because our tiniest screwdriver wasn't tiny enough. I scrounged around and found my old glasses, which made me feel unbalanced, but I could see well enough to drive, and once at the lens place, they were fixed in no time.

Last night, we had our 2nd monthly dinner at this place which has opened up a new restaurant in Pueblo. They have this "special" dinner for customers who get on their e-mail list, complete with a sommelier to pair the wines with each course, of which there are five. Service is fabulous, and we already see "regulars" coming back. Cost: $35.00 per person, for a fabulous dinner, incredible wine, most of which is under $15.00 a bottle. They may be switching this to an every other month event, because it goes on in addition to the regular restaurant running upstairs. That would also be easier on the pockets, but G. and I have decided that if we give up all other dinners out, we'll keep this one.

After that, nicely toasted, warm and happy, we came home and plunged into the new hot tub. What better way to end a lovely evening than hanky panky under the starts?

Fuck the IRS, life is good!

GG

Monday

2009-02-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

Broke my glasses. Can't see to type. Got my taxes done. Will be paying the IRS on payments for the rest of my life. Hopefully will be able to scrape together enough money to pay the state of CO without going to jail for tax evasion.

Guess my creative vision hasn't reached its peak yet.

Happy Monday,

GG

We Are Not Born Bad

2009-02-20T19:05:00.000-08:00

I was raised "in" the Presbyterian church, but thinking back, I realize that I have never been a "Christian". Although my parents dutifully took my siblings and me to church every week from the time I can remember, even though I did what they wanted me to do and "joined" the church at age 13, I just could never accept the basic premise of Christianity, which is we are born "in sin" and in order to be "saved" we have to accept Jesus Christ as our savior because of his sacrifice of being crucified for all of the sins that humanity had done before his existence, did while he existed, and would continue to do after his resurrection. I couldn't buy into that. Even as a young child, the premise of my own inherent "badness" just wouldn't take root.

I was a fairly precocious child, and my parents, bless them, encouraged me to read, and never set limits on what I read. Some of my favorite reading before the age of 7 was Greek, Roman and Native American mythology. I guess when the minister was preaching, my mind was off somewhere with Crazy Horse as he went on his vision quest, seeking messages from the Great Spirit. The Great Spirit was always closer and more "real" to me than the trinity of Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

I have always felt a part of creation and a part of the Creator. I finally found the words when I first read Robert A. Heinlein's "Stranger In A Strange Land"--"Thou art God." That book really changed my life. It made me think deeply about things that I thought I believed, and I realized that while I wasn't sure what I DID believe, I knew it wasn't the stuff they were preaching in church.

I don't accept the premise of needing to be "saved" because I don't accept ever having been "lost". I have no desire to argue about the existence of Jesus Christ. I'm sure he lived. I'm sure he was a great and charismatic teacher. I'm sure he was crucified for his teachings and his beliefs. But I don't believe he died for MY "sins" or for anyone else's "sins". In fact, I don't believe in "sin" other than when you choose to act contrary to your own best nature. You know when you do this. It's the times when your gut knots up and the words stick in your throat because your body knows you are lying, even when your "mind" continues to tell you that you HAVE to do this, or say this or be this way for whatever reason, usually because someone ELSE says it's the way you should do, say or be.

I believe we are all a part of the great, creative, loving force that caused this Universe to come into being. I can't be "separate" from God because I AM God. And since I AM God, it can't be possible that there is anything "sinful" about me--or anyone. And it certainly isn't necessary to worry about being "saved". Oh, but what about criminals, what about the insane, what about...what about? Tough questions, but I do not propose to have answers for anyone but myself. This is my truth and my beliefs. It's up to me to create my life as I best see fit, and I cannot do this for anyone but myself. For those who are in turmoil, I can only send love and blessings and hope that they will begin to realize their own internal creative power.

I know there are people who worry about my soul--where I will spend eternity. I am not the least bit worried about this. My soul is eternal. It has always been and will always be, so when this physical body reaches a point of needing to quit breathing, my huge, loving, eternal, part-of-God soul will return to its home. I envision it like beads of mercury from a broken thermometer. The mercury breaks apart into tiny, separate spheres but when brought close enough, morphs back into one large pool of mercury. You can't see where one individual sphere existed and the next one takes up. Right now, my soul is hanging out with this little sphere I call "me", but the bigger part of itself is still in the pool, and when my body croaks, that's where my soul will return.

No worries. No "hell". No "devil". No "damnation".

We spend SO MUCH time worrying about this. We don't need to. Step outside and put your bare feet on the ground. Feel the energy pulsing through the trunk of a wise old tree. Watch the birds swoop and play. Remember the vast well of creation that we have inside us, with just our thoughts and our desires.

Let go of the worry. This is the toughest lesson I have had to learn in my life, and I keep having to learn it, but it finally seems to be getting easier. Things will work out. They will. If this "economic crisis" had happened 5 years ago, I would be in a complete tizzy over everything. But, I have less money now, and less income than I did then, and I am so much happier, so much more relaxed, so sure of a positive outcome.

Things will work out. Because we are not born bad, and we can create anything choose to.

And THAT'S what God wants.

GG

Tub Time!

2009-02-19T18:02:00.000-08:00

Tub came yesterday, electrician came today, chemicals went in tonight!

Tomorrow...well, you know what's going to happen!!

Yay, hot tubs!

Here's the tub with G and Toby, our cute electrician who did a great job of adding our 220 breaker and put in an additional electrical outlet:
And here's the conduit work:

In fact, he liked the tub so much, he's thinking about getting one for himself. It's 5' x 6', 200 gallons, just perfect for us.

We are SO going to love this hot tub!

GG

PS - the plan is to put 4 x 4 posts around the tub and put up colorful fabric "walls" that will be easy to take down when we're not using the tub so the yard won't look so closed off. That was MY idea! ;-)

Busy Day in Grumpyland

2009-02-18T17:31:00.000-08:00

So, this morning, we agreed to take one of our good friends for her colonosopy. We decided that since I am the usual early riser, I would pick her up at 6:45 in order to get her to the surgery place by 7:15, and G. would pick her up from there when she was done and get her home. This meant me leaving the house by about 6:15. No problem, we were happy to do it because no matter how great you might feel after something like that, you really should not drive and since she lives alone, she needs our help.

BUT. Last evening, I got a frantic call from my daughter. Apparently GS1 had been throwing up all day and was in severe pain. They had taken him to his doctor who had advised that it might be appendicitis and to go urgently to the ER, which is where they were, getting a CT scan, etc. Many telephone calls later, I was headed up to the hospital to wait with him while mom, step-dad, and brother went to get mom's car so she could stay overnight in the hospital with him. GS2 would be dropped off at our house to spend the night, as step-dad had to be at work very early, and we would take him to, and pick him up from school. Depending on what went on with GS1, he would either be discharged in the morning (today) or possibly have his appendix out.

Happily, this appears to have been a case of food poisoning (it's not often you're happy about that, but given the choice of that versus surgery, we'll take it). When I got to the hospital, he was sitting in bed with an IV, chatting and feeling better. The doc came in, pressed his tummy all over, and there was no pain. Still, they said better to stay overnight, and plans proceeded accordingly.

So, I got up this morning, hit the road, got friend to the surgery center with time to spare, hit Starbuk's on the way home for coffee and hot chocolate, G got the boy to school, I worked, daughter called and the doctor was in surgery, and she needed to go home to get ready for her first day at a new job, which was delayed by all this. Of course, at the same time, the surgery center called and said our friend was ready to go home, so G went to get her, I had daughter pick me up and take me to the hospital to sit with GS1 until they released him, and then we would wait for G to pick us up. THEN, she went to get GS2 from school, and THEN...right after she got back,

...wait for it...

OUR NEW HOT TUB ARRIVED!!!!
Yep, about 2 weeks ago, we went to a camper/RV show in Colorado Springs, with G determined to pick out some kind of traveling home on wheels for us. But, turns out, they were demo-ing the PERFECT 4-person hot tub that she had been wanting since before I met her, so we came home with that. Or, rather, a contract for it. So, now it's in its new home, we will have the electricians in hopefully tomorrow to install a dedicated 220 panel, and then the water will be heatin' up!

After all the running around today, it's going to be LOVELY to relax in some nice, hot water right in our own back yard. And it was a LOT cheaper than a trailer!

Wheee!

GG

My Super-Hero Alter Ego

2009-02-17T09:38:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Tina and this place:

There's nothing like a good axe and a yellow cape when you want to feel invincible!

Or a bit less granny-ish!

Two Pitchers of Water

2009-02-16T08:21:00.000-08:00

Our recent warm weather has been turning my thoughts "green". Last year, for one of our new year's "resolutions" we decided that we wouldn't buy bottled water anymore, but rather, invest in a couple of decent re-usable water bottles and just carry them with us. For the most part, we have accomplished this goal. I think G bought maybe 2 cases of bottled water last year, down from an average of 20 in previous years. I have a Nalgene bottle that I really like, and one other one that I got at REI. I can usually be seen wandering around the house with at least one of them in my hand.

Living as we do in a relatively arid area that has recently experienced a 10-year drought, I am very conscious about water, its uses, and its wastes. A few months ago we got a Brita water filtration "pitcher" that holds about 2.5 gallons. We keep it on the counter and use a separate pitcher to keep it refilled as we use the water for drinking and cooking. I didn't really think it made all that big a difference, because I thought our water was pretty good quality, but after drinking the filtered water for a few months, I took a glass right out of the tap not too long ago. Seriously, I thought I was drinking swimming pool water, the taste of chlorine was so strong. That's a pause for thought.

One of the things I like to do when I get up in the morning early, is to make a pot of coffee. But, since G often sleeps a couple of hours later than I do, the coffee is usually not drinkable after sitting that long. I know, I could make a smaller pot, but I like to go back later and have another cup, too. So, this Christmas, she got me a very nice, sleek thermal carafe to put the coffee in. This gadget keeps the coffee nice and hot for several hours, AND keeps it from having that yukky burnt taste from sitting on the heat too long. However, to have the thermos work best, putting some hot water in it from the tap and "warming it up" first is a good idea.

Couple of weeks ago, I realized that I was letting a significant amount of water just run down the drain waiting for the water to get hot, so I decided to see just how much. I used the pitcher that I normally use to refill the Britta container. It took basically 2 pitchers of water to run in order for the water to get hot enough to heat up the thermos. So, now, instead of just letting that water run down the drain and into the sewer system here's what I do: I fill up the coffee pot from the filtered water. This brings the water level down. Running the hot water, I fill up the pitcher once, and pour it in the container, then fill up the pitcher again to use it for refilling later. By this time, the water is hot, so I put about half a carafe full in the coffee carafe to warm it up. One the coffee is done, I pour that hot water into the dishpan to help with washing up the breakfast dishes.

As I write this, it sounds like a really involved and time consuming process, but it's not. For me it's a way of being mindful of how we use a very precious resource--our water. And over the course of writing this, I have realized that I probably waste more than that running the water to get hot for my shower in the morning. Perhaps I'll get a 5-gallon bucket to run that water in and use it to water the fruit trees. Sounds like a plan!

Our second "resolution" came about by accident. I was at our local health food store, in the checkout lane, and I saw these little nylon "bundles" hanging by the cashier. I asked her what they were. She told me they were individual carry bags that folded up into themselves and you could hook them to your purse, fanny pack or stick them in a pocket, and always have a bag ready when you ran in just to get "a few things". It was $3.00 and I had to have one. So now, I have this great, lightweight, strong bag (I recently put 5 library books in it!) that will allow us to save on using the plastic bags then end up blowing all over the place. Granted--we do re-use a lot of those bags ourselves, but if you can save using them in the first place, great. I love this bag because it is so compact:

That's fully open, then it begins to fold into itself (the little carry sack is sewn into the side seam of the bag itself):

And finally, a cute little "stuff sack" that you can take anywhere:

Today, I went to the store for just a couple of things. I used this and it was perfect. Just think of all the bags we could save if every one had one of these and used it even twice a week! The numbers are staggering.

Small things add up, and neither of these things is difficult to do--it only requires a little forethought to make a big impact.

Happy Monday!

GG

What About Love: Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T09:03:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to all sweethearts everywhere. Even if you don't celebrate the day, even if your sweetheart is your mother, sister, cousin or BFF. Spread the love however you can, and make the world a little bit better for it.

We had a BLAST at the V-party last night. Ton's o' fine women, karoke, conga lines, tequila, and lots of food. The cheesecake was a hit and I even managed to bring home a little bit for today.

This evening we are going to another couple's house for a quiet catch-up dinner. Haven't seen them in ages and we are really looking forward to it. Then, the 2nd dog goes home tomorrow and we will have our house back, blissfully quiet!

Who KNOWS what could happen then!!

Happy Valentine's!

GG

Freedom To Marry Week: Some/Thing Blue

2009-02-13T06:00:00.001-08:00

"Something old, something new, something borrowed, something BLUE!" It was pretty easy to find the first three things for this week's posts honoring Freedom To Marry Week. But blue, now that's another story. After all, I'm not really GIVING you something blue. So, the more I thought about blue, and the thinks that come to my mind when I envision "blue", I decided to share some blue skies with you. For me, there's nothing like a Colorado blue sky. I am lucky to be able to have just incredible skies right from my front porch:

Skies like this, I call "Maxfield Parrish blue":
And, I've also been lucky enough to see some amazing blue skies in places like Kensington Park, London, with a bit of snow on the ground:

Edinburgh, Scotland also has some lovely blue skies, especially up by Edinburgh Castle:One of my favorite skies was the day that I climbed Alto de Perdon, just west of Pamplona, Spain. I love the sculpture dedicated to all the pilgrims who walk El Camino Santiago, and also seeing the wind turbines that provided clean electricity to the area.

And, of course, how could you resist an incredible blue sky in Monument Valley, Utah:

Of course, even the bluest of skies will have a few clouds, just like the best of relationships will have its rocky times. Here is a blue, cloudly sky along the River Boyne in Ireland:

And another, right here in Colorado, along the Arkansas River:

And, finally, sometimes blue skies turn dark, and almost frightening, and sometimes you feel like your relationship or your marriage might not have been worth the risk it took to go for it. But then, when you think of all the other clear, blue skies that you have been privileged to experience, it kind of makes the darkness recede and the value of your relationship all the more precious:

I hope you've enjoyed all the blogs who have participated in this some/thing week. Please remember that everyone should be allowed to marry the person they love, otherwise, the clouds really will close in on all of us.

Happy Valentine's Day a bit early!

GG

Love: Some/Thing Borrowed

2009-02-12T04:44:00.000-08:00

For today's post on love, I have "borrowed" the following video from The Courage Campaign. I can't watch this video without thinking of my dear friend M. in California. He recently married his partner of 15 years in September, 2008, and barely 2 months later had to go through the pain of learning that a majority of people in his state wanted to "divorce" them, to invalidate his marriage. How do you "invalidate" love? Why would any person want to invalidate another's deep happiness and fulfillment and, yes, true love, so hard won in these times, or in any time?

I see that it's happening, I hear the hate and fear that always spews out of these people, but for the life of me, I cannot understand it. Perhaps I'll pray for them. I know that I pray for my friend M and his husband, that their love and marriage will remain valid and recognized under the laws of California.

Please watch this borrowed video, and if it brings you any closer to an understanding of true love, then it will have done its job.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Thank you,

GG

More Love: Some/Thing New

2009-02-11T18:39:00.000-08:00

Continuing our talk of love and marriage in the blog carnival to celebrate Freedom to Marry week, today (and I know I'm late), I have my something new:

G brought these home to me for Valentine's day yesterday, surprising the heck out of me! They are the most beautiful colors, they lighter color ones are not yellow and not white, but some almost indefinable color in between--a buttery creamy color. And the other ones--I've never seen roses that color, not mauve, not lavender, but again something in between with almost a pewter shimmer. The photos just don't do them justice.

And, I couldn't have a "something new" page without bragging on my wife's E-bay skills yet again:
She found these Earth shoes online for around $10.00--normally nearly $100.00--and she won her bid! I think they are just too cute. I also think she'll be wearing them to the Valentine's day party we're going to on Friday.

Here's to continually finding the "new" in your love!

GG

Thinking about Love: Some/Thing Old

2009-02-10T14:36:00.000-08:00

This is Freedom to Marry week. Thanks to TLL and The Other Mother for joining many others in this blog carnival celebrating Freedom to Marry Week 2009. I decided to join in, and to day is the day to post about some/thing old, as in the old wedding rhyme, "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue..."

Below, is my something old. It's a photo of my mother at her wedding, taken October 10, 1953:

My mother's house burned down twice when she was a youngster and a teenager, so there are very few pictures of her family left to pass on. At the far left is her mother, Emma, my grandmother, who died before I was born. According to my mother, we were/are much alike. On her other side is her father, who we called "Dad". We never knew him well growing up for several reasons: We always lived at least 2 states away from him, and he was pretty far-gone in alcoholism by the time we were old enough to really appreciate him. He died when I was in college.

The other two ladies are my mother's sisters, my aunts, both still alive and well, and married to their first and only husbands. They are both very wonderful, sweet, Southern women and I am in fairly regular contact with both of them, either by e-mail or telephone. I can't believe they are both in their 70s.

So, that's my "old" picture. To me it speaks of love, tradition and family at their best. I deeply and truly believe that all people should be allowed to experience this, to find and marry their true love and soul mate. Love is hard enough to find in this world, why do so many have to work so hard to limit it?

May we all find our own true loves!

GG

Funny As HELL, but totally NSFW!!

2009-02-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

I confess, I am SO not a gadget-o-holic, but his had me rolling on the floor!!

It's Official!!

2009-02-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

I'm a nominee in the 50 and over category!! Check out the "lezzy" page over at TLL to learn more.

Voting starts on the 11th which is day after tomorrow, so, if you stop by and like what you read, please give me a vote!

Thank you, and happy reading and blogging!

GG

For the First Time....

2009-02-09T12:54:00.000-08:00

...since we have been together, G and I are going to a Valentine's "do"! She mentioned that today--that it's the first time we've done this, and I realized she was right. Wow! We will be going to a Valentine's dance and house party at the home of 2 new friends, C and A, who are in their 40's, and have all kinds of "toys" such as a karoke machine, etc. (I'm sure they have other kinds of "toys", too, but I won't go into that!) It's going to be a pot luck and I will be making my famous chocolate-raspberry cheesecake.

Yesterday, we went to Colorado Springs to an RV show, and shopped for outfits. I found mine at K-M@art of all places--a slinky red top and some new black jeans all on sale. On Wednesday, we are going to go get henna-ed for the party. Since my top has kind of a low scoop neck, I'm thinking of having the lady do a henna "necklace" and some hearts on my hands and fingers. We've had designs done by her before and she is great. Yes, I'll post some photos--maybe!

I got part of G's gift today and hope the rest of it arrives in time for Friday. I'm so looking forward to this party, as a chance for us to show each other off, to dance with her on her new knee, and just to have an all around good time with new and old friends, in the company of some fabulous women!

I'm having fun getting back into having a social life!!

GG

Things Don't Stay the Same

2009-02-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

My mother had a saying she was fond of whenever we got into discussions about the ins and outs of marriage over time:

"A man marries a woman thinking she won't change, and she does; a woman marries a man thinking he will change, and he doesn't."

However, I think this is true of just about any relationship between human beings. We get into situations, relationships, jobs, friendships, etc. and think they will just go merrily onward and the way they start out is the way they continue on and on ad infinitum. Only they don't. One party begins by wanting to change and the other doesn't. Or both parties change, but in different ways. The permutations are endless, but some kind of change is the key element and not all comings-together can survive change.

On Tuesday, it will be 3 months since G. had her knee replacement. The changes in her are remarkable and amazing, and I confess to be feeling a little bit "left behind". This is my own stuff and I'm working on it, and it's going to be fine, I know, but right now I'm in that lesbian "processing" place.

For almost 7 years, since we met, G has been in near constant pain, battling every day just to stay upright and moving. Until we bought our current bed about a year ago, she pretty much slept every night on the living room floor because all beds were too soft. There were days when she literally could not drag herself from room to room. I was (and am) happy to do things for her, bring her stuff, run her bath, do most of the cooking and grocery shopping, get her blankets and magazines, etc.

Now, after only 3 months, it really is like being with a new person. Oh, there is still pain. We both know she will never be completely free of it. But comparatively, she is in a whole different universe. And she's doing stuff by herself easily that before would have required both of us, or else both of us and maybe outside help as well. So, I guess I'm feeling a little "unnecessary" just for the moment.

I know. I know. She didn't "get with me" to have a caretaker or a maid. I think my real fear that that on a physical level, I just won't be able to keep up, and wonder if she'll still want my out of shape ass around as she gets better and better.

There. I said it. I mean, this is a woman who used to be a body builder and put in a stone patio in former house on her hands and knees because it hurt to much to stand up and do it. This is a woman who DOES NOT GIVE UP.

My job keeps me, literally, tied to the computer. If I'm not typing I'm not getting paid. Oh, I don't have a boss hanging over my shoulder, but the thought of even tinier paychecks is a real motivator. Plus, I LOVE the blogging and other computer stuff that I TRY not to do during working hours, and that's sedentary, too.

It's been warm here in Pueblo for the last few weeks, record-breaking. G. is out in the yard, happily wheelbarrowing and moving tons (literally) of mulch, garden rock, dirt, dead grass, last year's compost, whatever, already beginning to whip the yard/garden into shape for the coming season. She says, over and over, it's just "tinkering", that's it's her therapy to be outside and doing. That's the Aries in her, I guess.

Now, I love the garden. I love planning it, and I even love planting the seeds, and can get out and weed now and then and tend and water when necessary. But I just don't see the NEED for all that activity. I mean, when I look at the yard, it's READY. I just don't see, literally DO NOT SEE what else needs to be done before we put the seeds in the ground. Everything is trimmed and clean and organized. Yet, every day, she's out there doing more stuff. Today, she moved the basement TV up the stairs by herself (granted, it's not all that big), and I was down here typing and DIDN'T EVEN HEAR HER.

See, I have to plan when I do things. I know that the largest percentage of my day is going to be taken up by work. Always has been, always (probably) will be. I can't just get up and say, "Oh, today I'm going to reorganize and re-fit all the soaker hoses!" and when my weekend comes, refitting soaker hoses is WAAAY down on the list.

So, am I feeling guilty that I'm not more "outdoorsy" and yard-work oriented? Yes.
Do I feel like I let her down when I don't want to spend my days off doing the home improvement and garden upkeep that she loves so much? Yes.
Am I feeling inadequate when we go for walks and now G is outwalking me only 3 months postop? Yes.
Am I feeling somewhat "adrift" now after having been a mainstay and support for when the pain got so bad, now that the pain is about 80% less than it has been for the past 7 years? Yes.

Yes to all of those, and probably more "stuff" that hasn't surfaced yet.

I KNOW she loves me, there is no question there. And just as strongly, I KNOW that this will pass, we'll talk about it, and we'll adjust to the "new" G. I mean, how petty am I, after all, to complain about this? I am THRILLED for her, over the moon to see her dance and skip around the house like a kid. That does my heart good. I love her to absolute bits. Nothing about my feelings for HER has changed other than to grow stronger and deeper every day.

We're going to a Valentine's dance at a house party next Friday, and now maybe we will even get to dance more than 1 dance together, and that will be a fabulous thing.

So, I may be losing someone who has been somewhat dependent on me for certain physical things, but it looks like I may be gaining a dance partner.

And that, my friends, is a change I can certainly embrace!

Don't let a little uncomfortable change mess up a great good thing.

GG

OH. MY. GOD!!!

2009-02-05T07:32:00.000-08:00

If you read the 2nd comment on the previous post, you will see that this blog has been NOMINATED FOR A "LEZZY" AWARD in the "over-50" category. WOW. I am really touched and incredibly happy. I have no idea who nominated me (and it wasn't me, just for the record), but whoever you are, thank you, thank you, thank you!!

One of the reasons that I contacted Kelly at TLL to be an author, was that when I first started reading the blog, I noticed that there was a dearth of lesbians "of a certain age" that were writing. I couldn't speak for the readers, of course, but all the authors seemed to be 30 and under. Nothing wrong with that, but I wanted to be a voice for those women who had a bit more "experience" even though I had not been out of the closet for that long.

I have totally enjoyed my experience writing for TLL and reading the contributions of the other authors. I have learned tons o' great stuff, and I hope I've been able to share a little bit of life experience with some of the "younger set". I've also made some really good blog friends, and you know who you are!!

So, thanks again to whoever nominated me and hopefully those same folks and more will VOTE, so that I can become an "official" LEZZY!!

Whoo Hoo!

GG

HOT WATER!!!

2009-02-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

The part for the water heater came last night via UPS. The repair guy came today via Se@ars and fixed the part on the water heater. It took maybe 15 minutes. We now have HOT WATER on demand. I tell you, it's completely possible to get clean while standing the tub and pouring stove-heated water over yourself with a pitcher, but it's a lot nicer to let it come out of the shower already nice and hot!!

Here's to modern plumbing!

GG

She's Doing It

2009-02-03T11:11:00.000-08:00

So, my daughter came over today with a big grin on her face and had me log on to the community college website to see her scores. She passed 3 of the 5 tests needed for the GED with flying colors! AND, she got a new job! Temp job, but lasting till June--some kind of data entry position for the IRS. She'll be working evenings but off weekends. We will probably start picking up the boys again, but that's okay, with warmer weather, G. needs the help!

She'll take the 4 test (writing) in 2 weeks and the final test (math--her big fear) a couple of weeks after that. I fully expect she will have her GED by the end of March.

There's a graduation for GED classes in May. I can't wait to go whoop and holler!

GG

The Effects of Mercury in Retrograde, or What Next?

2009-02-02T07:23:00.000-08:00

For those of you with an astrological inclination, the planet Mercury was in retrograde from January 11 through Saturday, January 31. During this time, when the planet SEEMS to orbit "backwards", it is generally accepted that certain types of "glitches" are more prone to happen, particularly with mechanical things (i.e. cars, computers, etc.), and in communication such as legal contracts and those kinds of things.

We've had just a few of those in this retrograde session, and are still dealing with the aftermath, since at this moment, I am heating water on the stove for my "shower". Yes, after the other plumbing mess, our water heater went out on us, that is, the mechanism that keeps the pilot flame lit has gone kaput. However, there is good news, because our water heater is a Whirlp00l, and apparently this part has been recalled, so it will be replaced for free. Downside, we HOPE the part will be here and replaced some time tomorrow, but it could be later. Once again, I give thanks for working at home, as it is acceptable to be relatively unwashed while typing in the basement.

So, 2 plumbing problems in this retrograde, and I had to convert my Internet browser to Firef0x because Macrohard Explorer finally just quit working on me all together. Still, there's an upside because I really like Firef0x a whole lot better, and I've even got it loaded on G's computer, too.

All things considered, it could have been a lot worse, and Mercury went "direct" again yesterday. The next retrograde period will be May 7 through May 30, 2009, and unfortunately will encompass my birthday. Perhaps I better not plan that trip to Bora Bora after all!

If you want to read more about dear little Mercury, here is some good reading.

Happy Monday!

It's Good to be Queen!

2009-01-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Syd, I can now truly say, I RULE! Go check it out here. They have all kinds of scenarios, but the Queen just got me. Now, If I could only meet Helen Mirren to go along with it....whew...is it getting warm in here?

Happy Friday!

Her GG majesty....

When I'm 112...

2009-01-28T15:14:00.000-08:00

This is who we are babysitting for the next 2 weeks. Her name is Velmarie, she's 16 years old, and she is an Australian shepherd, even though she looks like a bear. She's mostly blind, mostly deaf, and mostly crippled by arthritis. She's about the sweetest thing on earth, but it hurts me so much to watch her try to get around. Sometimes, she gets stuck in a corner, where there's not much visual contrast, and she'll just stand there till someone comes over and guides her away.

She spends a lot of time sleeping when there's no one around, with her nose in her mom's slipper. She didn't hear me come up from the basement, so I was able to get this picture:

When we're around, she must stagger to her feet and remain standing, because, you know, she just might need to "herd" us somewhere. It's so sad to see, especially since we've known her for over 6 years, and remember when she was as frisky as a pup.

I do hope, if I make it to age 112, and I'm in this kind of shape, that someone will kindly and gently help me on to the other side.

God bless you, Vel!

GG

I Just Love...

2009-01-27T09:59:00.000-08:00

...our intercom phone! When I'm down here working and I don't want to leave the report to run upstairs or she doesn't feel like trekking down here, we can just beep each other on the intercome and voila! Communication.

Ain't technology grand?

We also Skype with each other. That, on the other hand, is pretty sad--but sometimes the web cam can be preeetyy fun!!

Wink, wink....

GG

Wait, What?

2009-01-26T11:31:00.000-08:00

I have been too busy to hardly remember my name these last few days. Working today b/c I'm swapping for this coming Saturday for my last weekend shaman class (for now, anyway). It's the end of a cycle for me, good stuff. I worked yesterday, my "day off" for my previous employers in Denver.

More socializing on Friday night, and L-word party last night.

Doing a "dinner-club" thing with a couple of friends tomorrow night at a new restaurant in town.

Babysitting another friend's old and feeble dog while she (the friend) goes to FL to take care of her old and feeble mother and step-father. The mother is having shoulder surgery, and the step-father can't be left alone anymore. We'll have the dog for 2 weeks, then immediately will be babysitting Lucy the Frisky for a week while HER owner goes to Belize.

We have our own travel plans for this year, but I'll have to post about them later. Right now, I need to scarf some lunch and get back to typing. So far today:

1. Thyroidectomy.
2. Parathyroidectomy.
3. Epidural steroid injections.
4. Gallbladder removal.

And that's just for starters...

GG

A Little Something Good for Friday

2009-01-23T07:10:00.000-08:00

For when you want "something" but don't want to make, bake, or buy something big. This is a one-shot deal, and it's enough for 2 to share if they want. I've made it several times and it gets better each time. Enjoy!!

1 Coffee Mug (I use a larger "soup-type" mug)
4 tblsp plain flour (not self-rising)
4 tblsp sugar
2 tblsp baking cocoa
1 egg
3 tblsp milk
3 tblsp oil
3 tblsp chocolate chips (optional--not really!)
Small splash of vanilla

Add dry ingredients to mug and mix well.

Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Make sure you get ALL the dry stuff incorporated.

Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.

Add the choc chips and vanilla and mix again.

Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts. Check the back of your micro to determine the wattage. If less, you will need to adjust cooking time.

The cake will rise over the top of the mug but do not be alarmed. This is really COOL!

Allow to cool a little and tip out onto a plate if desired. EAT!

Kids love to make this! And it's really not all that messy.

GG

Have You Ever....

2009-01-20T18:06:00.000-08:00

...felt an entire country breathe a sigh of relief? Draw in a deep breath full of hope, and strength, and desire to get on with a renewed sense of strength and purpose?

Today was that day in America.

Thank you, President Obama!

Dinner with the Lesbians

2009-01-17T19:50:00.000-08:00

Last night (Friday), G and I had dinner with a group of our friends and acquaintances in the lesbian community here in town. This is an informal group of women who try to get together on Friday nights either for dinner at a different local restaurant or with a potluck. We know most of the women in various different ways, but we've kind of been out of the social "loop" for a while and it felt good to be "out" with the women. There were about 11 of us, ranging in age from 40 to about 73. It's is a pretty cool group of ladies. I found out that one of the women (in the age-70 range) is pretty well known in town for being the former coach of the women's b-ball team at the local college! Had no idea.

During the course of the dinner at my end of the table, I found out that most of the woman there had been married at one time, and so the question naturally came up, "When did you know?" For some it was since forever, for others, when they met their current partners. For me, the answer is a little more complex.

Growing up, from the time I was about 4 till I was in high school, I had virtually no friends. This was due to a number of reasons: family moves and being in different schools all the time, being taller, bigger and smarter than most of the kids in most of my classes (kids don't really like ugly fat girls with buck teeth), being shy as a result of aforementioned physical accouterments. I was always the "new kid" which is never easy, which then morphed quickly into the "fat girl" or the "nerd girl". Teachers loved me and the rest of the class usually ragged on me for that. It's a good thing I WAS a good student and really enjoyed the learning part of school, because socially, I was a disaster. Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Fuhgeddaboutit. All I wanted to do was get through the day without getting picked on.

When I got to high school, things finally settled down geographically. We didn't move any more, and in the 9th grade, I started hanging around with a group of girls who would be my BFFs through graduation. I had crushes on boys and discovered drama (the onstage kind), but my main focus was still academics. I realized one big thing, and that was that I really didn't like being in class with guys. All they wanted to do was joke, and cut up and make crude remarks about either the teacher or other girls in the class. It totally pissed me off. I think that probably played the biggest part in my decision to go to a women's college.

I'd like to say that I had a huge revelation during those 4 years, and knew from then on that women were my "cup of tea". It didn't happen that way, but what I did gain was a knowledge that I would much rather be around women than men. I was just more comfortable BEING with women. Still, the light bulb hadn't gone on yet, and I kept thinking I wanted a boyfriend. Sometimes smart women can be SO dumb! It was like I got all my emotional and social needs met by women, but I couldn't quite make that leap to getting my sexual needs met there, as well. It wasn't that I was turned off by the idea; as I said, I was always active in the theater and picked up knowledge of "gay" almost by osmosis. It's just that it truly never occurred to me to "experiment".

OK, that's not exactly true. There was this one girl during sophomore year. We lived on the same floor but at opposite ends of the hall. She was 1 year ahead of me. About half way through the year, we discovered we were mutual Star Trek freaks. OMG! WTF! We started spending a lot of time together, and one night I ended up in her room on a Friday night. She was also studying to convert to Judaism (I don't remember why), and so she was burning the Sabbath candles. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but we ended up lying on her bed (dorm room twin bed), and I asked if I could touch her hair. We lay there for a while, just talking and me stroking her hair. It didn't go any further than that, but I remember being just a wee bit surprised at being horizontal with her. I THINK that if anything HAD happened between us, the entire course of my life would have been different. But the light STILL didn't go on, right?

Fast forward through first marriage, and then getting online in 1992. This is where I met my 2nd husband, but also where I somehow wandered into the butch/femme bbs (WAY before online chat), and now the questions started coming. I had spent tons of time in gay bars during college, disco-ing my little heart out, acted onstage with flaming queens, but to my knowledge, I had never met a "real" lesbian, nor did I have any idea how to go about it. I didn't really want to talk to my friends about it for fear they would think I might be coming on to them, so I felt kind of in this odd "limbo" and the BBS subjects and various e-mails that I started to send and receive felt like suddenly coming home.

When I packed my Ryder truck to move west, the question did enter my mind that I was moving to Colorado to marry a man, but I was continually being pulled to lesbian subjects and BBS. I was so gung-ho about getting to Colorado (which I think was really bigger than the desire for the marriage), that I just ignored the questions I was asking myself.

Once here, once married, once I discovered that my husband was WAY more in love with Michelob than he was with me, my search began in earnest. I was married for 8 years; 6 of those were celibate. That gave me a LOT of time to think, to chat (AOL Women's' Space was a GOD send), and to realize just who and what I was and what I wanted.

So, I can't say there was just "a" moment when I knew. My knowing and growing evolved and developed obviously over a period of years. But, truthfully, I could not be happier with how my life has turned out, and if everything that I went through was what I needed to go through to get me hear, then I simply would not change one single thing.

Here's to "knowing".

GG

A "Perfect" Saturday--with update

2009-01-17T07:40:00.000-08:00

Got up this morning for my usual routine, showered, etc. in the bathroom. I'm one of those weird people who do not turn on the lights in the morning. I shower, get dressed, and do most of my morning routine pretty much in the dark, with just the lights coming in from the street, the other yards, and the early dawn coming in through the windows. So, I'm out of the shower, half-dressed, in the kitchen filling up the coffee maker with water and I hear water running. NOT the water coming out of the filter pitcher into the coffee maker but down in the basement...dripping heavily--not quite a flood, but close enough since we've never had water dripping down there before.

Of course, not only am I half naked and in the dark, I'm not wearing my glasses, so even if I managed to stumble down the stairs, I couldn't have seen anything anyway. So I run back toward the bedroom to get glasses, clothes and shoes, and realize that the water in the basement is actually coming from the bathroom toilet UPSTAIRS and is dripping down through the floor and the vents. Oh, YAY!

I wake up G as I rush to get dressed, and she beats me to the BR to start plunging and shut off the toliet valve. BLESSEDLY the water is just clear water. I run downstairs with a load of towels to mop. She plunges, I try to tell her where things are leaking--nothing from the pipes apparently, just around where the pipes go through the floor, and then, unfortunately, there was some water in one heating duct. We got that opened and propped so the water would not go into the furnace. Luckily, this was well away from my office here, so no water at all where I'm working, and nothing but the concrete floor and the the throw-rugs really got wet.

But, we will have to call a plumber. On Saturday. SIGH.

So, now I am working on my new account, and there is no work loading. My other (old) account is hemorrhaging work, but I don't want to switch over till I get the OK from the boss, so have emailed him (the "big" boss, not my supervisior, because she'd just have to ask him anyway). In the meantime, I'm not getting paid.

But the plumber will get paid, that's for sure, for coming out on a Saturday. In the meantime, I have TravelJohns down here for emergencies. Oh, did I mention we only have 1 bathroom? Yes, we only have 1 bathroom.

So, here is my challenge for today: how to turn this fiasco of events into a tapestry of perfection to revel in. But for now, I'm going to have another cup of coffee, regardless of the plumbing status.

Have a great weekend,

GG

PS - as of 11 am, "Joe the Plumber" is on his way over. I kid you not.

Can It Be?

2009-01-15T14:41:00.000-08:00

I almost don't want to write this post for fear of jinxing something. On the other hand, I can't NOT write about it because I am BURSTING. This is a time when I miss my mother terribly, because I would have been on the phone with her in a hot minute. As it is, she already knows, I just didn't have the joy of telling her.

My daughter called today. I saw her ID on the phone and really didn't want to pick up, but I did. And finally, she was calling to TELL me something, not ASK me for anything.

She hasn't been working since before Christmas, though she has been looking. She has some pretty good experience in the customer service field, both on the phone and in "back office" functions, i.e. dealing with credit, numbers, etc. Trouble is, she quit school in the 9th grade. She is a smart person (obviously, she has ME for a mother--HA!), but for some reason, she just has always felt that she wasn't. No matter how I encouraged her, praised her, whatever. She's been talking about getting her GED for more than a few years now. A couple of years ago, she even asked me for prep books for Christmas, but nothing came of it.

So, apparently today, when she went to DHS to have her food stamps reapproved, they told her she would either have to do volunteer work there or get enrolled in GED classes if she wanted to keep the food stamps. So, she chose the GED route! She went to the local community college, which has a very good reputation and took their GED assessment test. She scored ABOVE college level on everything but math, and there she was 1oth grade to 11th grade. The guy who did the test apparently told her she would probably be able to pass the test with only about a month of study.

So, she enrolled in classes and will be starting next week from 8 am to 12. She'll drop her kids off to school and then go to school herself. I told her she could practice her math homework with GS1 who is loving him some math right now! It would be good for both of them.

To say I am pleased is just beyond it. It's killed me to see her bright, brilliant, and capable self be continually held back by--HERSELF. But, on the other hand, I know well how people just don't do anything until they are ready, so....I guess she's ready to take this next step. I know it will be a good one for her and I will be keeping my fingers and eyes crossed (metaphorically) until she has that GED certificate in hand!

What a day!

GG

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm....

2009-01-14T15:03:00.000-08:00

Nobody ever accused me of being "demure and dainty" before, but the rest of it is pretty accurate. Hmmm.

Your PB and J Says You're Demure and Dainty

Your eating style is reserved. You are a bit of a fussy eater, and you have very specific ways you like your food prepared.

You don't really have a sweet tooth. If you go for dessert, you tend to go for something light.

Your taste in food tends to be modern and cutting edge. Of all your friends, you are usually the first one to try a new food or restaurant.

You belong to a class that's all your own. You resist rules and traditions of any sort.

You are a tough person who isn't afraid to live life fully. There isn't a lot that scares you.

You are laid back and extremely easygoing. You never make a fuss, and you try to enjoy every moment.

What Does Your Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Say About You?

Making Choices and Changes

2009-01-13T15:03:00.000-08:00

Last week nearly killed me. I haven't been at that level of stress in a long time--maybe right after I started being a paralegal working for a new attorney and neither one of us knew what the hell we were doing.

I started a new account last week--I volunteered, uh oh. But it was a hospital and I'd been wanting to do inpatient work, and type operative reports (don't ask me why but I like the gory details), and so I spoke up.

I think my company is going through one of those corporate "upheavals". The difference is, sitting here in my house, I really have NO idea what the upheaval is all about, only that within the last couple of months, my team leader and 2 other supervisors have left and all gone to a different company. Information isn't "trickling" down, I can sense that we probably weren't quite ready to "go live" on the new account, there are a lot of "glitches" and all these things affect productivity.

Plus, G and I have been on this new eating program, and doing the Body + Soul challenge. It's not really a "diet" per se, but we have made a lot of changes in how we are eating--lots more whole grains, veggies and fruit, almost no meat--by choice, believe it or not, and I haven't felt hungry or deprived, AND my night time snacking is WAY down to a minimum. It's been good for me and I am feeling better than I have in a while.

Part of the challenge is you have to write in your journal every day about food--whatever the subject is on that day. That has been an interesting way to explore the "whys" of my eating that go beyond just plain hunger, but last week, though I started off well, as the stress and tension built up, I blew off the writing, even though I stuck with the eating program.

Friday, we were supposed to go to a potluck with a group of women that we are getting to know better. We do a dinner once a week, very informal, usually at a restaurant, but last week it was a potluck, and I wanted to make this casserole that's really good for cold weather. So, I made the thing on Thursday night, and figured I'd just pop it in the oven Friday afternoon and be all ready to go no problem.

But. I didn't get it in the oven soon enough, I was running up and down the stairs trying to cook myself some lunch, and that day I really WAS hungry, because all my files were STATS and they HAD to get back to the hospital, so no getting up and wandering around. And G. was dozing on the couch as she usually does in the afternoon. That's her habit, she's done it since I've known her, but I was SO stressing over trying to eat, and thinking about the potluck and wanting to make a "good impression" (what's THAT all about?), and all I could think of was, "oh, she's lying there just like a MAN!"

And I HATED myself for that. And THEN, when I finally finished this LOOOONG file that I had been working on (it was 4:30 and we were supposed to pick up a friend at 4:45), I asked her to pull the casserole out of the oven, and it was nowhere NEAR done.

I just lost it. I haven't lost it like that in a long time, and I'm not sure why. I guess I was worried that I wasn't making my lines, meaning that my next paycheck will suck, and I was worried about being good enough for this new account, trying to juggle all that in my head along with cooking for us, getting food ready for the potluck, etc. I really blew up at G, more than I ever have. I mean, I didn't rant and scream or call names, or get nasty, because I know how vulnerable she is to that, and because I'm really not like that, but for me, for US, it was pretty earth-shattering. If we hadn't had to pick up this other person, I would have just got in the car and probably gone to see a movie, preferably one with lots of explosions.

But we went. I stopped at the store, G. went in and got deli salads, the party was fabulous, with L Word and karoke, and in the end I was really glad we went. The next day, G had kind of a breakdown on me, and, as women do, we cried and cleared the air.

And I got back to this program (which is more than just about eating) and started writing in my journal.

Yesterday, I was on IM a lot with some of my coworkers (it was my day off, but I worked for a couple of hours). I read the Yahoo! group for the MTs at my company. Much negativity there, feeling in the dark, missing the old boss, etc. I don't miss her that much because I didn't know her that well, but still, the new one is very different.

Last week, I posted a comment on my buddy Walhyrda's blog. There's a wonderful Buddhist saying, "Everything perfect, just as it is." Last night, when I started to journal, that phrase kept going through my head. I decided that I would open up to it, and make a conscious effort to understand that even when things are stressful, even when they are HORRIBLE out in the world (I am also doing a "media fast" as part of this program, but I know what's going on in Israel, I know gas prices are going back up, etc.), it is all PERFECT. There IS a reason for all this. We choose it. We say it's because we're following "God's word" or whatever reason, but the bottom line is that we choose. We CHOOSE to hate and create chaos instead of peace. We CHOOSE to destroy rather than build.

Every single time, WE choose.

So, I am choosing. I am choosing to see the beauty and perfection in every single thing that surrounds me, from the mumbling doctor who drives me to distraction, to the beautiful quilt-block coloring that my grandson did for me for Christmas that hangs across from me as I type every day.

I know I won't be able to maintain this Buddha-like attitude all day every day, but I choose to go in that direction. I choose to see perfection when I look at the world.

And you know what? Today was a GREAT day!

What do you choose?

GG

Full Moon Morning

2009-01-12T05:16:00.000-08:00

Setting in the west as sunrise approaches:

The things you miss when you don't get up early...

Oh, Those Grandsons...

2009-01-11T11:05:00.000-08:00

Boys spent the night last night. I was totally FRIED from working since I started a new hospital account this week and could hardly tell my butt from a hole in the ground, so we decided to go out for pizza. On the way, we were talking to the boys about what they'd been doing in school, friends, etc. GS1, who's now in 3rd grade, said something about a boy..."...I think he's a LES...bee..an....!" and then just chatted on. I could tell that G. had not heard him, so I kind of steered the chat back to the boy in question, and GS1 reapeated, "I think he might be a LES...bee...an..." He was sitting behind me (I was driving) so I couldn't see his face. I asked him why he thought that. He said "because he hangs around with all the girls." G. asked him if he knew what the word "lesbian" meant. He kind of stuttered and fell over himself, but got out, "...a boy who likes boys...". "Hmmm," I said, "Well, if I likes boys, why is he hanging out with the girls?".

"Oh!" said GS1, "I don't know!" Like he hadn't thought about that angle of it.

G. took a deep breath to go on into greater detail as she sometimes loves to do, but I just looked at her and said, "Doesn't need to be pursued any further right now...", and the subject immediately turned to TV wrestling with no prompting from us.

So, I imagine some time soon, we'll get around to explaining that the word "lesbian" really has nothing to do with boys at all!

Gotta love grandparenting...

GG

Just How Old AM I, Anyway?

2009-01-06T18:07:00.000-08:00

Been thinking about "age" lately. And just yesterday, I read Jess' post that her mother turned 52 in December! YIKES! I'll be 52 in May. I cannot conceive of having a daughter that's as "grown up" as Jess. Maybe because my own daughter (just turned 26), has yet to completely cut the apron strings. Even though my daughter is now married and has 2 kids and 2 step-kids, I guess I don't think of her as "grown up" yet. Maybe that's just how is is with your own child.

However, this morning, I was thinking in the shower (I do that a lot), and as my mind wandered under the water, I started thinking towards my college reunion this spring which will be my 30th. Yes, dears, I graduated COLLEGE in 1979. And THAT got me thinking of one of my high school English teachers, who actually went to the same college I did, only SHE graduated in 1944! And THAT made me realize that when I was in her class in 1974, that was HER 30th reunion year, and at that time, SHE would have been 52 or thereabouts. And, remembering her, I just thought about how OLD she seemed at that time.

Of course, when you're in high school, everyone who's old enough to have gotten OUT of high school seems old. But even thinking back now, with a little bit of perspective, I remember her as old. A big part was the way she dressed, her 40's-type pencil skirts, sweaters, and of course the cat glasses (which are now retro). Her "done" hair, etc., etc. But, I think a lot of it was her attitude. Of course, a teacher has be removed from the students, but there was an air of tiredness about her, maybe of dreams unfulfilled or even unpursued. In a strange twist, one of MY classmates married her son, so I have kept up with her via this woman; sadly, she is far gone in Alzheimer's and her husband, who was my high school principal, passed away several years ago.

Thinking of Mrs. W., led me, naturally, to thinking about my parents. I remember looking at my mother's high school year books when I was a kid, then later when I was in high school. She graduated in 1950. Her senior class looked OLD. At 18, they looked "done". Grown up and ready to head out into the world, the girls to find Mr. Right, the boys to find The Right Job, work hard and settle down into a pension 30 years later. Even looking at those year books in my 30s and 40s, those kids STILL looked OLD at 18. Now, I look at yearbooks and think, these kids don't even look dry from the womb yet!

It seems to me there's been a huge perspective shift on age. I know part of it has to do with the Baby Boomers, of which I am one, though just barely. Part of it has do to with technology. After all, who cares how old someone is on the other end of an e-mail or a cell phone, as long as they get you the information you want or do what needs to be done?

And although I admit to complete bafflement when my grandson wants to talk about Pokemon, I can't really attribute that to age, because Pokemon baffled me when it was new and I was a lot younger! Honestly, I just don't get the whole anime thing.

I think it all comes down to attitude and expectations. I don't EXPECT to be old or limited as time slides forward. I don't FEEL old, or even old-ER. I still have tons of enthusiasm for learning and doing new things. There are so many things I want to do and places I want to see. I'm so looking forward to being older as a time of great simplicity, not needing very much, and even better, not WANTING much. I know I have said this before, but there are so few THINGS that I want, and so many experiences that I crave. If I died with an empty bank account and a head and heart full of memories, I'd be a happy camper.

So, maybe that's the trick. Celebrate your age instead of hiding it. And take care of yourself. I always think of my mother in this regard. She LOVED celebrating her birthdays and was always proud to say how old she was, but when it came to taking truly good care of herself, she couldn't follow through. Again, I think a big part of it was her generation, who was raised to put everyone else ahead of themselves. Obviously, a certain amount of care and consideration for others is a good thing, but giving over your health and well-being isn't. There IS time for yourself. I am learning this every day. It's important for me to do that kind of self care, because if I feel tired and rotten, I'm not good for myself or for G. And that's no fun.

So, this about-to-be 52-year old grandmother is going to continue to celebrate her age, take care of herself, and hopefully be hoppin' and bee-boppin' for my 60th reunion!

Ya'll take care, you whippersnappers!

PS: My college graduation pic (spring 1979):

Me in Spain last year (fall 2007, age 50)--along with everything else, my hat got bigger, too!

Settling Up

2009-01-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

We took down the tree today, and along with it, all the pictures in the living room, which, in a burst of "inspiration" I said I wanted to repaint. Uh oh. Say anything like that around G., and it's immediately like Ty Pennington showed up with his megaphone shouting "Let's....DO...IT!!!!!" So, I'm probably in for a wild ride. However, she has agreed to let this proceed at MY pace (um, turtle-ish?), and even agreed with my suggestions about how to get the room painted with the least amount of hassle and furniture movement. If you give me a day or two, I can usually come up with really good plans on how to get a lot done with just a little bit of effort. Sometimes, being lazy pays off. Or, as I prefer to say, working SMARTER is easier than working HARDER! Yeah, that sounds better.

So, while I have time, here are a couple of last photos. You know I'll have more as things progress:

Our Christmas Tree. It was a "noble fir" and definitely the best one we've had. I was really sad to take it down, but it will go in the back yard now, and provide a nice perch/hiding place for all the little birds. One day, I'll do a post on why I will never have a tree that's taller than I am.

And here is our Christmas Dog:

Just after a trip to the groomer on the date of the photo. We kept her fur fairly longish, since she gets cold when it's too short. When she got out of the groomer's she looked like a little polar bear!

Tomorrow, we start our Body + Soul Magazine challenge, so wish us luck and I'll keep you posted on the painting progress.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

A quiet start to 2009. I am down here waiting for work, but apparently, there has been a big snow storm up where the clinic I transcribe for is, so not many folks showing up to the doctor. That's okay, it gives me some time to catch up on a few things.

~*~*~*~*~

Resolutions. Love 'em or hate 'em, they seem to be part of life if you're lucky enough to have made it to another January 1! G and I have made a few, and in order to make them "stick", we decided to do something a little different this year. We subscribe to Body and Soul Magazine, and starting on January 5, they will be having a "challenge" for 35 days for people to sign up, and work on eating habits, exercise, de-toxing, etc. I thought it would be fun to do something like this together. I've never really had anyone who was willing to work on this stuff with me, and doing it alone, well, maybe I'd last a week. We are both excited about it. We went to Wh0le F00ds in Colorado Springs last week when she had her knee check up and got lots of good stuff, and I've been making some vegetarian dishes that are really good (more on that later).

Oddly, my body seems to be craving more vegetables, more grains (whole grains) and less meat. Normally, it's the other way around, but with the exception of chicken and some smoked salmon, I really have not wanted to eat meat for about a month now. It seems strange to me, but I'm going to go with it. I've got plenty of energy, and my itching has eased up a bit.

I also signed up to start a tai chi class that begins next week. I took tai chi from an instructor right after I moved here about 14 years ago. I LOVED it. Alas, he was from Colorado Springs, and decided he didn't want to drive to Pueblo for a class, which I couldn't blame him. I spoke with the woman who's going to be teaching, and it sounds like we are really on the same page, so I am SO looking forward to this. G. is going to, and I think it will help her knee rehab and her balance.

~*~*~*~*~

Last night, we had a quiet NY Eve. I spent too many years working in the hotel/hospitality business and bartending on New Year's Eve to EVER want to go anywhere on that night. We had watched dogs, house, and mother for some friends down the street this week, and she brought us back a bag of goodies, including noisemakers, from Trader J0e's in Santa Fe, so we were all set.

This year, I thought it might be fun to do a "partnership" Tarot reading for the coming year. I chose my favorite Zen Tarot cards, and it was very enlightening, pardon the pun. We each picked 6 cards, and lay them out in the spread. When I started to read them, it was pretty amazing how each pair of cards that we had picked separately either fit together or complemented each other. Talk about being "in synch". All in all it was a very encouraging reading, that really supported a lot of our decisions that we have made regarding house, home, finances, and quality of living for this coming year. I wrote down the cards and positions, so that we can refer back to the reading in the coming months. Again, it was such a gift to have someone with me who wanted to do this, who was interested and who is motivated, as I am, to stay well, whole, and healthy. God, I love my wife!

~*~*~*~*~

Given the slow work situation, I am going to make bread today, along with some curried cauliflower and a mushroom barley bake. I'll post recipes later. For now, I am going upstairs and make a pot of coffee and take a cup to G. who is still in bed. Who knows, maybe I'll REALLY start the New Year right...wink, wink...

Counting Down, Gearing Up

2008-12-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

Monday, the last Monday of 2008, and there's so much stuff I want to write about and nothing coherent is coming together in my head.

I watched a little "retrospect" of the year this morning and realized how much happier and better off I am when I DON'T watch the news or read the paper. I know that there are so many bad things going on in the world today, but being inundated by all of them from every network, every paper, every magazine, just is not healthy for me. Because, like airplane crashes, they leave out the other side of the story completely--which, for every major airplane crash, there are approximately 137,000 (I'm making the number up, but it's high) planes that DID NOT CRASH. Umpteen people who made it home ON TIME or made it to gramma's ON TIME and NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.

Same for the political situation. We're constantly being fed poison about how bad things are, yet this year, in Pueblo anyway, all the restaurants we've been to have been crowded, all the stores have people in them, there are "Hiring" signs up--okay, maybe seasonal jobs, but JOBS.

We seem to be so worried about our restless times, but we are a restless species. Especially in America are we restless. We don't stick with anything for very long--not jobs, not homes, not cars, certainly not marriages, even though they are "sacred". Americans are a nation of "leavers". We left England, Ireland, Scotland, Italy, Spain, Germany, Russia, Thailand, India, Pakistan, you name it, people have left where their ancestors lives for millenia and came here. But that wasn't enough. We left the 13 colonies and moved west. We still thirsted for more, so we left again and crossed the Mississippi. When that wasn't a big enough challenge, we left and crossed the Rocky Mountains. By the time we had bounded the country as we know it today, we couldn't leave anywhere else, so we started bossing everyone else around and trying to tell everyone what to do, because we thought that since WE had done this, certainly everyone else would want it, too! Right? RIGHT? And if they didn't want it, we killed them. Or moved them. Or "destabilized" them.

And, finally, for a while, we did the most exciting thing of all, and left the planet, if only for a few moments in the span of things.

So, that's why I don't care to wallow in the news. It's not that I am choosing to be ignorant. Quite the opposite. I want to choose. I want to choose to read or listen to what will help me understand a particular situation, not what will pander to my own baser emotions and inflamme me needlessly. Systemic inflammation is one source of early aging and cell breakdown. As a society we are constantly being inflammed over something, and consequently, this is where we are breaking down as a society.

We don't ever take the time to step back and really THINK about anything, to really dig into a subject, its history, its roots and come to understand how it came to be, and in that understanding, to really, deeply affect the change we say we want so badly. All real change, ANY real change comes from the root level, the "germ" level if you will.

We are each one of us the germs, the seeds, of society. If we want to see a true and lasting mutation of our world into something better and healthier for all of us, the change MUST start within each of our seedling hearts.

And that's what I'll be musing on for the next few days.

GG

Happy Merry

2008-12-25T07:19:00.000-08:00

Last night, G and I went down the street to our neighbor's house for their annual Christmas open house. They both cook and bake and go all out. They had had folks dropping in all day. We met up again with one of her cousins and his wife, a really neat couple. We vowed that in 2009, we would all learn how to make tamales, something I've been wanting to do for a long time.

Then we came home and fixed up the gifts for all 4 of the local grandkids. I realized that I had not gotten 1 particular gift for GS 1, so we ran out to our local W@lgreen's, which was packed with last-minute shoppers, and actually found exactly what I needed with no fuss.

Drove around for a bit and looked at Christmas lights. Came home and got the kids' gifts organized, and then opened ours. It seems that G. can only wait until Christmas Eve and no longer to keep gift secrets. Aside from our picture-framing frenzy, I got lots of much-wanted kitching thingies, and she got much-wanted "soft goods". It was all a great success. The dog got a bag full of catnip mice that she loves to hide around the house.

The kids will be over later on their way to the other set of grandparents for the big meal. We have finger-food goodies from Whole F00ds, and an invite to another friend's house if we wish.

It was cold outside and warm and cozy inside. There's food in the fridge, heat in the house, decorations on the tree, and love inside and out.

I wish the same for everyone else in the whole, wide world, if only for this one day.
GG

Ten Things I Love about "F"

2008-12-21T13:18:00.000-08:00

Blog-surfing the other day, and I ran up on this place and post. I was intrigued and commented that I would like a letter to write on. Shortly, I received an e-mail inviting me to expound on the things I love that start with the letter "F". Oh, I can just hear you all now! So, got it all out of your system? Good, 'cause here goes:

1. FIRE

No, I am not a pyro, but since it's about 18 degrees F outside right now, and that's the HIGH for the day, a nice fire would feel pretty darn good. I love sitting out by our fire pit on a less frigid evening, and having a fire, talking about everything and nothing, roasting marshmallows with the boys, just gazing into the flames, etc. Fire is definitely a good thing in the right circumstances, and the smell of woodsmoke in G's hair is a definite turn on. Which takes me to....

2. FRENCH KISSING

I'd almost rather kiss than do anything else. Maybe it's nuts, but there's pretty much nothing that turns me on more than a sweet, soft, moist kiss with just the right amount of tongue and luscious intention behind it. I'm a sucker, I melt, I swoon, I ooze. French kissing a woman is the most incredible, amazing, intoxicating, arousing thing I have experienced in my life. It's all things sweet and wonderful, and soft, and delicious, spicy and sexy wrapped up in one lip-locked package. I highly recommend it!

3. FOOT REFLEXOLOGY

Ok, are you back with me now? If I can't wallow in the luxury of a delightful French kiss, then I absolutely lurrrve me some foot reflexology. Foot reflexology is not massage, although there is some massage involved in the "warm up" phase. It's an energy work system that proposes that there's a spot somewhere on each of your feet that corresponds to the major physical systems of the body, heart, lungs, intestines, etc. Since the soles of the feet contain over 7,000 nerve endings, this isn't as "woo-woo" as it sounds. I've been going to a foot reflexologist for 15 years, and I know she has kept me sane and out of the hospital on many an occasion. Plus, I have an out-of-body experience every time I visit her. Definitely worth it! (P.S. The foot in the above photo is NOT mine!)

4. FUDGE

What is NOT to love about fudge? Whether it's fudge frosting on a yellow cake, or the fudge made with marshmallow creme and nuts, shown above, or a small slice of heaven from a gourmet chocolate shop, a piece of fudge is an opportunity to indulge in richness that you just can't get for the price anywhere else. My favorite? Dark chocolate fudge swirled with mint. UMMMMM!

5. FRIED GREEN TOMATOES

And I don't mean the movie, though I love that, too. If you've never had fried green tomatoes on a hot summer day, with a little Tabasco sauce or ranch dressing, well, you have missed out on a culinary delight that's easy to come by. Green tomatoes have a completely different flavor than their ripe sisters--slightly tart, but very fresh. They're also great grilled without any breading, so those of you who shun the good grease and cornmeal of Southern cooking can eat them and feel superior. Either way they are FAN-tastic!

6. FUZZY THINGS

I'm an extremely tactile person. If something doesn't "feel right" I can't have anything to do with it. If it's soft and fuzzy, like the above scarf, I'm all over it. G. makes fun of me because in cold weather, I wrap myself in layers and layers of soft, silky or fuzzy kinds of clothes and she has to work to find me! I love the fuzziness of our dog when she gets back from the groomers. I love fuzzy slippers, fuzzy lap robes, fuzzy blankets and sweaters. What I hate is something the LOOKS fuzzy, but is really scratchy. THAT sets my teeth on edge!

7. FRUIT

G says that since she has known me, she has eaten more fruit than she had eaten in her entire life up till then. I love fruit--fresh fruit. There's nothing better than going out in the morning and picking a bowl full of fresh strawberries out of the yard--well, standing in the yard and just eating them right off the plants is just a TEENY bit better! I love all kinds of fruit, but right now, I'm finding myself drawn to pears. Pears can be tricky--not ripe enough, and it's like trying to eat a rock, too ripe, and the mushy texture makes me gag. But a just-right, just-juicy-enough pear, oh, man, it's a fruit experience not to be missed. I have discovered that a pear is almost perfectly ripe if, when you pull off that little grocery store sticker, some of the peel comes away with it. Then you better eat it right then, or it'll be headed to mush land in just a day or so. Fruit is good, easy to take with you, easy to eat. Eat as much as you want and don't feel guilty!

8. FRAMES

I've mentioned loving art before, and while buying framed art is nice, I also love just finding out-of-the ordinary things and then finding the perfect frame to put them in so that they become art. For example, a friend of mine once sent me a post card from England while she was visiting. She said that the subject of the card had made her think of me. It took me a while, but I eventually found the perfect frame and matting for that card, and now it's one of my favorite works of art. My friend M in Australia sent us a wonderfully put together work of art she had made of native "found items"--bark, leaves, feathers, etc. as a gift when we got married. We worked and worked on it, but finally found the right kind of frame (shadowbox), with the perfect background matting to show off M's creativity to its fullest. The subject of the art is what draws you, but the frame can certainly enhance or detract from it.

9. FOREIGN CUISINE

First of all, I love food anyway. But I have found that learning about a region's particular food and cuisine is a great way to find common connections and to make new friends. I love trying new kinds of food, food from all kinds of cultures, etc. I love to ask, if I am in an ethnic restaurant, how they make a particular dish, what give it its unique flavor. I also find the people love to talk about their foods! They are flattered and happy to chat with me about the dish, and then the path is opened for other questions, back and forth. This has happened when I've traveled, and it's happened here at home. Everybody has to eat, so what better way to start a common conversation?

And FINALLY:

10. FIFTIES

Okay, not the "era", but the decade that I currently find myself in. I love being in my 50s! They are indeed fabulous, and for so many reasons. I love being able to really speak my mind without worrying about what people think. I love being able to do things how I like with respect to holidays, job searching, continuing education, whatever, without feeling that I have to follow a certain "continuum" of common thought. I love saying "Why not?" when people whine, "Why?". I love being thought of as "eccentric" if not even "far out".

So, those are my 10 FAVEorite "F-words". If you'd like a word to write about, click on the link and ask Hope. Maybe all 26 aren't taken yet...

The Wishy-Washy is Driving Me Crazy

2008-12-18T18:58:00.000-08:00

As the oldest of 4 children, I have been in the "in charge" position by default most of my life. It's not something I particularly seek out, or like, but it seems to find me, and when something needs to be done, and there's a bunch of people sitting around saying, "Gosh, that needs to be done" but not doing anything, it bugs the SHIT out of me, so I either 1) end up doing the damn thing, or 2) start organizing everyone else to get the thing done; hence, end up being labeled "bossy" or "too direct" or "too strong of a personality" or whateverthehell else. I mean, I have actually not been hired for jobs because my "personality was too strong", so yeah, I guess I can be overbearing, even though I think I'm pretty darn easygoing and laid back.

Recently, or maybe it's been like this all along, and my tolerance quota is full, I have been noticing that for some reason when G. and I want to do something, neither of us seems to be able to make a decision. Example:

"Have you thought about dinner?"
"Not really, do you want anything in particular?"
"No, would you like Mexican food?"
"Would you?"
"If you would...." and so it goes. I feel like I'm trapped in an exchange between Bette and Tina! ARRRGGGGHHHH!

That's just one instance, but it seems like this is going on all the time, for anything that we need to do. I'm just as bad, because the in the above example, either one of us could have said any of the comments.

Maybe this is sort of an "over-courteousness" in trying to take the other person's wants or desires into consideration, but sometimes I just want to scream, "For God's sake make a decision, already!" Because most of the time, I REALLY don't care. I'm not a picky eater. Personally, I could eat Chinese food every day. I LOVE Chinese food, and I would go eat Chinese any time we went out and be happy. But G is not such a fan of Chinese. She likes some of it, but not the way I do, so I am not going to push eating Chinese on her every time we go out. I love pretty much anything--pizza, Mexica, BBQ, home-style, Sonic, whatever. So, when I say, "I don't care where we eat" I MEAN it--YOU decide. We spend more time trying to decide stuff like this than we do doing it. It's not just about going out to eat, that's just an easy example. But these days, it seems like we do this dance around EVERYTHING and it's getting to be a real drag.

This is where my "oldest child" will take over and start being REAL bossy, and I don't want to do that. I don't want her to ever feel like I'm pushing her around or trying to be "in charge" because that's not the kind of relationship we have.

I just don't know when this "phase" got started and I'm trying like hell to figure out how to get past it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, to totally change the subject, (only not really) my 30th college reunion is coming up and I have this completely LOVELY group of friends from those days. We have stayed close and visited and been there for each other, and helped each other though lots of stuff in the last 3o years. I love these women dearly. But, I gotta tell you, I am seriously thinking of not going to this reunion because I KNOW what a cluster fuck getting a damn hotel lined up is going to be.

Most of us are pretty straightforward and if someone says, Hey, let's just stay here, the rest say, Ok, fine. But there is ONE (isn't there always ONE?) who always, ALWAYS, says something like, oh, no, that place is too BLANK or not enough BLANK, or I need to be picked up from the airport and that's too far, etc. etc. blah, blah blah.

I don't even want to deal with it. I'd rather stay home then subject myself to all that hoo ha right now. It's just more of the same of what I've been talking about. I would say that I'd take on the task of making the room arrangements, but I did that once and never again.

However, since I'm the class President, I suppose I have to make an appearance. And if worse comes to worst, I can always stay with my sister and just drive back and forth to the college. Even though that would be a hassle, it would be 1) cheaper and 2) quieter.

Maybe the lesson is just to speak up and say what I WANT and let it fall where it may.

SIGH

2008-12-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

We are hell-bent on paying off bills right now. I'm down to 1 credit card that has only the remainder of our trip to Taos, NM back in July and my daughter's wedding dress which she will never wear on it.

We have the L0we's CC with the new stove on it--half paid off.

We have a painting we are paying on that we got in Taos--more than half paid off.

We are making payments on a car for my daughter (long story, but I'd rather make the payments than 1) lose a friend and 2) have her family end up on the street because no one can get to a job). If we're lucky, she'll pay off the balance with her taxes.

I have 1 more shaman class to pay for by the end of January.

Yesterday, I got an email from my Tr@velocity Fare Watcher that I could get a RT flight from Denver to London for $420.00.

London.

I.

LOVE.

London.

SIGH.

Gratitude 101

2008-12-15T08:37:00.000-08:00

This morning I was happy to wake up to a day off, to sun sparkling on snow; to a temperature that was 5 below zero, but found me in a warm house, just getting out of a warm bed. I was happy to have our perfect little tree sitting on the table, still waiting to be decorated, but lovely in its simple and fragrant "tree-ness".

I was grateful for the smell of fresh coffee brewing as I did some exercises on the little "rebounder" trampoline that we use when it's cold or icy to go outside. I was happy to be off today, as I watched the cars on the highway on the other side of the part across the street. I was so grateful not to have any commute other than down the stairs.

I savored the perfectly ripe pear that I cut to go along with my morning Power Bar and cup of coffee. I cherished the soft sounds of G still sleeping in the bedroom, and found myself perfectly amazed at this perfect life I have created for myself.

I found myself being completely grateful for having enough--enough hot water in the shower, enough food in the house, enough money in the bank, enough love to spill over into the world, enough yard to plant for great gardens next year, enough cold to be thankful for warmth, enough heat in the summer to really love the winters.

I was so thankful for all my friends, near and far, thankful that my daughter met and married a man she loves and who seems to love her and her kids as well as his own. I was thankful that the boys now have a life that supports them instead of tosses them into chaos and fear.

But mostly, I was just so happy and content to sit on the couch, loving my life, and knowing that my wife would be up in a few minutes and I would be able to get her a cup of coffee so that her day would start off just has well as mine had.

I wish you all the joy and gratitude for your lives that I felt in mine this morning.

GG

Christmas Funny from the Grandson

2008-12-12T16:23:00.000-08:00

When I first met G, she "had no use" for the holidays. In her previous relationship, this time of year was just an exuse for those around her to get drunker, and then it was "obligatory" that she spend large sums of money on jewelry, etc. because it was "expected". So, after we got together, I played the holiday stuff very low-key, mainly 'cause that's how I am. I was never real big on decorating and I personally like very small trees (story on why later). And I don't wear jewelry, so no troubles there.

As the years have gone by, she has got more and more into the decorating, and we have a tradition of buying an ornament whenever we travel somewhere, so now we have a pretty nice collection of unique ornaments with great stories behind them. Last year, she really wanted to "do up" the house, up to and including the bathroom. She even went all out with something very similar to this:

No, I am not kidding. But, the trouble was, the top cover WOULD NOT stay up at all with the cover as above, so she turned it around and put it on with the seatcover up. Happy little Santa in the bathroom.

A few days after she did all this, the boys came over and were at the house for a while. When their mother called saying she was going to pick them up, I told them to make sure they went to the bathroom beforehand (typical grandparent, eh?). GS2 went in to the BR and was out in a few minutes bouncing around the living room as usual. GS1 went in to do his thing and was there for a while. No noise. Nothing. A bit later he comes out and finds me. He had a very strange look on his face.

"Gramma," he said, "Can you take that thing off the toilet? I can't pee in front of Santa!"

Oh my! I nearly bit my cheeks raw, but I didn't laugh. I just went and removed our bathroom Santa, and all was well.

That is one "Christmas memory" that will stay forever!

Rainbow World

2008-12-11T07:56:00.000-08:00

I swiped this from Jess. She says it's "making the rounds" but I had not seen it yet. I find the below very interesting, as the 3 colors mentioned are not usually my favorite; however, the result is pretty accurate except for being uncomfortable without technology. I might have to take it again, because the choices given were really tough for me. Try it and get your own rainbow!

Your rainbow is intensely shaded gray, orange, and white.

What is says about you: You are a strong person. You appreciate tradition and wisdom that comes with age. You depend on modern technology and may feel uncomfortable without it. People depend on you to make them feel secure.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Christmas Came Early Today!

2008-12-09T14:37:00.000-08:00

Woke up to dark, snow, and ice this morning. Still feeling yukky, and not wanting even to walk downstairs to work, but what do you do? I worked till around 11 am, then had to come up for something to eat. I felt sick to my stomach and food didn't sound good, but I had to eat. I cooked some rice, but even that made me feel queasy, so I just pulled a yogurt out of the fridge. G. was buzzing around doing her usual whirlwind cleaning tour of the house, and the sun had decided to come out, so she went to the front door and saw there was a box there. SHE obviously knew what it was...so she got a knife and handed it to me to open. After I opened the packing box, this was inside:

Yes, it was a "Telluride Truffle"--whatever THAT was! But the big sign on the outside of the packing box had said "CHOCOLATE" so that didn't leave much doubt. So....anticipating the end result, I opend the triangular package:

And THEN, pulled on the neatly-tied gold ribbon bow...to reveal...

" The Fourteener". A pound of truffles divided into 14 distinct flavors, all hand made, gourmet chocolate!! For those of you who may not know, Telluride is in Colorado, and a "fourteener" is a mountain over 14,000 feet tall. Colorado has 54 of them. Trust me, each one of those pieces is a more than ample for 2. We will be in chocolate heaven for quite some time.

And my baby says she just can't think of any way to surprise me!!

PS--it's in the fridge till my tummy feels better. Even chocolate didn't cheer it up today...ugh! :-(

The Blahs

2008-12-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

Is it the weather? The time of year? The last 2 days have been nothing but blah, except when I was feeling totally YUKKY with some kind of "thing". No idea what. Sunday, I got up feeling pretty well and puttered till G. got up--later than usual. A friend who we've not seen in a while called and we decided to meet for coffee/breakfast at our favorite coffee shop. All was fine. Then, a local historic B&B here has been taken over by the brother-in-law of Amy Tan, author of The Joy Luck Club and other novels, and they were having an open house, so we decided to go.

Don't know if I got too hot, there were too many people, I hadn't drunk enough water, or if I suddenly got hit with a virus, but I barely made it home. I was wracked with chills and just felt awful. My stomach hurt, but not anywhere localized, and I just could not get warm. I had to crawl in bed under tons of blankets and just shake. It was horrible. G. did some puttering in the yard for a bit, and I finally dozed off. Later she went and got me some soda, which I managed to drink about half a glass. I spent the rest of the night just up and down. I finally got warm, then too hot, then I got up and read till I was sleepy, then dropped off, then woke up. UGH.

So, today was recovering from all that. Plus, we were sitting around waiting for a snow/rain storm to hit, so not much got done. I did 3 loads of laundry and finished my book. Took G. to her PT appointment, and dropped books at the libary. Whoop, whoopee!

I guess you need a "weekend" like that every now and then, but I feel completely discombobulated and not particularly rested, even though I actually did very little the last 2 days. Maybe that's the problem.

Now it's raining/snowing, the temperature has dropped drastically, and once again, I am so grateful not to have to drive anywhere in the morning when I go to work.

Despite the blahs, all is well.

GG

What Shapes You

2008-12-06T13:38:00.000-08:00

This is a post that I have been playing around with in my head for a long time. I had pretty much decided not to write it, but maybe that's why I need to.

I have not had a dog for over 25 years. That is not to say that I haven't had dogs in my house or in my life during that time, but I have not had a dog, my dog, in that time.

The last dog that I had was given to me my my first husband. I am sure that if he had known what was going to happen between this puppy and me, he probably would have left her where ever it was that he picked her up. Perhaps that would have been better all the way round.

My first husband was one of those "rough" guys. The kind of guy that every parent has nightmares about their daughter hooking up with. I met him, where else, when I was working for the circus. I was a cook, and he rousted the animals where they needed to go. He looked like a cross between Tommy Lee Jones and Robert De Niro in "Cape Fear"--tattoos (the jailhouse kind) and Fu Manchu mustache. Bad teeth and a rotten temper. If I had sat down to design a worse person to even consider marrying, I couldn't have done any "better".

He was one of those guys who always HAD to have a bunch of dogs around him--the big, male, smelly, mean kind of dog; never "fixed" of course. When I met him, he only had one dog, a big German sheperd named "Black Jack". Now, I have to say, Black Jack was a very cool dog, and I liked him a lot, but down deep, Black Jack was one of those dogs who never really belong to anyone. My H. thought he belonged to him, but Black Jack was almost cat-like in his independence. Good for Black Jack.

We'll skip the whole circus drama, and move forward to me being about 2 months pregnant, H working on and off, and us living in a tiny duplex behind our landlords' house. They were ok with Black Jack, by the way. They were very cool folks. At the time, H was working for some kind of kennel/dog training outfit, so he said. I had already learned not to inquire TOO closely into the things he told me, lest any illusions I might have about being told the truth be rudely (and sometimes dangerously) shattered. He had already brought home another German shephard that was seriously psychotic, but who I had taken the time to work with so that I could at least get close enough to him to put his food down without him baring his teeth at me. Then there was the poor female Sheperd he brought in, thinking he could help her heal after she got hit by a car. Bless her heart, all she did was soak the entire apartment in pee because her injuries rendered her incontinent, and we ended up having to pay to put her to sleep. With money we didn't have.

By the time I was 2 months pregnant, I knew without a doubt that I had screwed my life up BIG TIME and was sinking into a mire of depression, only I didn't know it at the time. My family, while they never "disowned" me were SO uncomfortable with this guy that they could hardly talk to me. And I felt so guilty that I could hardly speak to them, which suited him fine. He was the complete antithesis of my life up to that point. I guess I was a little late on the "teen-aged" rebellion thing. I never wanted to get married, and I certainly never wanted to be pregnant, and here I was both, and trying to find work, and keep my psycho husband placated, AND take care of all these mad dogs who wanted to pee on stuff, bite people, and shed hair and male dog odor all over the place. I was beginning to rethink my position on dogs.

One afternoon, I'm in our tiny kitchen trying to figure out what to make out of a pound of hamburger, and in he troops all cheery and happy--with a puppy in his arms.

My heart plummetted. Another damn dog, and this one not even housebroken. Of course, I couldn't say what I was REALLY thinking because even that early on in the relationship, I knew what his "triggers" were, and anything but COMPLETE doormat behavior from me was one of them.

However, I could see that the poor thing was scared to death, so I took her (yes HER, he had actually brought home a female dog), and as I held her, I realized she was crawling with fleas. Oh, my God. So, I took her straight to the sink, and washed her with dish soap, and since she was almost the color of a baby polar bear, the fleas stood out on her and I picked them off her one by one, rinsing them down the drain, and in the meantime, feeding her bits of raw hamburger to keep her interested in staying in the sink.

By the time the bath was done, we were in love.

I dried her off, fixed something else for supper, and held her on my lap for the rest of the night. H had brought home an ampule of doggie vaccine and gave that to her. After that, I'm not sure anything could have drug us apart.

I couldn't really say what happened between us. It was just that dog-human thing that they make movies about. We "got" each other. Almost immedately, I began to train her. She was maybe 6 to 8 weeks old when I got her, and the next day I took her across the street to the park and got her used to the neighborhood. She was housebroken immediately, because after the first time I took her outside, and she peed and I praised her and took her back in, she knew what I wanted, and never did mess in the house. I named her Amber, and H. said that he had been told she was part Irish Setter and part something else. After her polar-bear baby fur fell out, she grew in a sleek, shiny coat the color of a yellow Lab, but the texture and consistency of a Setter, just not as long. Her eyes were jet black, and she had one ear that tried really, really hard to stand up, but always flopped over while the other one hung down just like a hound dog ear. She was funny-looking and beautiful at the same time. I loved her like a piece of me.

A few weeks later, as I was getting on in pregnancy, I taught her how to walk on a leash after much trauma. You would have thought I was trying to kill her with a dull butter knife if I put any kind of pressure on the leash, but the next day, again we were at the park, and in about 2 days, I taught her to heel, and to sit right at my side whenever I stopped walking. After 2 weeks, I never really needed to use a leash with her again.

During this time, I was also working part time for the company where my mother worked, doing market research surveys and studies on the phone. H worked sporadically, but he was usually around when I got home. One night, when Amber greeted me, he said joking but with an undercurrent of pissiness, "That damn dog hides under the bed all day when I'm here, then when you get home, she runs out and bites me on the leg, and goes to you!" Well, smart dog.

In fairness, I do have to say that H was never mean to her or any of the animals, and they seemed to like him.

Summer moved toward fall, and my belly moved further outward. Amber got bigger and more playful, and our walks in the park together were the high points of my days, otherwise filled with worry over money, fear of H, and complete depression regarding my progressing pregnancy.

In August, we got news from North Carolina that my grandmother Helen was not doing well. She had battled liver cancer for 2 years and it was winning. My father was traveling between Atlanta and NC every weekend, and in a way I was grateful because it kept his mind off me and all the ways I had screwed up.

Unfortunately, around the same time, Amber started to get sick. First she just threw up, and we thought it was just a puppy thing. Then her energy started to decline. We took her to the vet, but didn't get anything definitive right then.

Then, in early September, my grandmother passed. Since he SAID he was working, and since there were the dogs to think about, H stayed in Atlanta and the rest of my family road-tripped to NC for the funeral. Of course, I was terrifed to leave H alone to his own devices, and I was right because he managed to get us into major financial trouble in just those few days, details not necessary.

The worse part was, though, he called me the day we were leaving to come back so say that Amber was worse. I told him to take her to the vet again, and he did and they admitted her.

The drive back to Atlanta was not happy for me. I was an emotional black hole, collapsing in on myself, and there was no one to tell, no one to talk to, no one to blame but myself. Who else could possibly understand? Hadn't I made my bed, and now wasn't I lying in it? Understand, this was the stuff I told MYSELF, not what anyone else said to me. I have always been, and continue to be, my own harshest critic.

When I got home, we immediately went to see Amber. My heart broke at the sight of her. The vet said she had hepatitis; apparently the vaccination that H had given her hadn't been enough; she had needed a second shot that we failed to get her. She was dying and it was my fault. She lay in her cage, her skin yellow from jaundice, but still wagging and licking my hand, happy to see me. We made the decision to take her home since there was nothing the vet could do.

She was home a couple of days. Weak but not in pain, and attentive always to what was going on. She drank a little but mostly threw it up. On a Sunday, I had to go to my mom's to wash some clothes for work. I had just got there when H called and said that Amber had died in his lap just then.

I was devastated. My dad took me home and I sat in the middle of the living room floor, holding her on my lap and sobbing like I had lost the last good thing in my life. Right then, I had. H. actually sat quietly next to me, his arm around my shoulders.

The entire time of our marriage, in that moment of grief over a dog, was the only time I felt that he ever understood anything about me. But at least he understood that.

I was wearing a pair of painter's overalls that I had worn all thorough college. They were ripped and torn and spattered with paint from all the theater sets I had built and painted. I wrapped Amber in those overalls and put her in a pillowcase. H and I went to my parents' house and we buried her in the woods at the dead end beside their house. It was where my dad had buried my other dog, Taffy, who I had from the 5th grade through my senior year in high school, so I thought it was fitting.

My mom's house is sold now, and they've developed most of the woods into another subdivision. But there is still a strip of trees and woods dividing the two areas, and that is where she rests, wrapped in the remnants of my overalls.

I still miss her and I still don't know if I'll ever be able to "have" another dog.

GG

Surprise!

2008-12-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

Well, not really, but I am typing this on my new Microsoft 4000 ergonomic keyboard with a 7 degree negative slope:

It's sleek, it's gorgeous, the spacebar key right now is a little stiff so I am going to have to use it for "play" for a while till I really get used to it, but I am picking up speed already--and except for the space bar, it's way quieter than my other one. AND, it plugs into the FRONT of the computer with a USB cable so if I want to, I can hold it on my lap when I type. I know, I am one of those weird people who actually like to hold the keyboard on the lap to type.

I discovered this by accident when I was working for the HMO and had a desk with a keyboard tray that tilted down and AWAY from me which actually made my fingers lower than my wrists which is the way they are supposed to be naturally. The tray was also very low, so that it almost sat on my knees when I was typing. I've never been able to find another keyboard or tray that I could tilt like that till now!

And, of course, this is all due to my sweetie--I saw this keyboard in an office store, and pointed it out to her as somthing I might like for Christmas (she TELLS me to do this because she SAYS she can't ever think of things I would like--yeah, right!). Anyway, she then went home and found the darn thing online for half the sale price of the other one, even with shipping!

Can't beat that with a stick!

My baby is the best!

Great Minds...

2008-12-04T15:32:00.000-08:00

Is it true that couples start to morph into each other after a certain amount of time together? I mean, even when we first met, G and I were on a particular "wavelength" and as we have lived and loved together, now sometimes, it seems like we are becoming telepathic--like the dream she had about going on a train ride the morning of the day I took her on a SURPRISE train ride!

Which brings me to the print. I have a signed print by a local artist from my HMO days that I got when I worked on an art auction for the local PBS station and my company sponsored one of the auction nights. It's a cool print, a winter scene of 2 Indians riding off into a snowy forest beside a stream trickling along. Very peaceful.

G. has mentioned a number of times how much she LOVES that print, so I thought...hey, getting that framed and up on the wall would be a great Christmas present. We LOVE art, and are always rotating ours so we can enjoy all of it.

So, I went to my favorite frame and craft store in early November, and arranged to get it all matted, framed, etc, and pay for it, and have THEM hold it at the store for me, because with me home and her home after the surgery, it's really HARD for me to get anything that big hidden. So, all done, all good.

Two years ago in November, when I quit my paralegal job, G and I decided to spend Thanksgiving in Santa Fe, NM. The way that we drive there is on "back roads" that take us through Taos, NM, one of our favorite places, which also happens to have this fabulous antique map store. I ADORE old maps, and since one of the reasons for my leaving the paralegal job was to get ready for my trip to Spain, I wanted a map of same. We managed to find a REALLY cool antique map, hand colored in some areas, and printed by a company in London in 1811 or 1812.

Like so many folks, we got the map home and it promptly went up into the closet (flat and well protected by foam board).

Do you see where this is going? A week or so ago, G asks me if the map is still up there. Like, where else would it be? But, I get it down for her, and with my apparently negative short-term memory, promptly forget about doing so.

Yesterday, G. (who is doing FABULOUS with her knee-hab) went over to her bud's house to do some quilting and was gone all day. When she got home, she was really, really cold, and the weather was changing, and she was just kind of moping about. I came up from work, and she was shivering under blankets, about to take a hot bath, when she said, "Well, I can't get it into the house, so you're just going to have to help me, and so Merry Christmas." taking me totally off guard. I was a bit nonplussed (oohh, I really get to use that word!), so went out to the car with her and there was my map! All framed BEAUTIFULLY and just perfect.

Having totally forgotten about her recent inquiry about it, I was stunned. Then, as I was carrying it into the house, I asked her where she had got it framed, and she said the same place I had got HERS framed. I just burst out laughing all the way into the house, and she naturally got her curiosity piqued, so after I got the map hung up beside my bed, I told her that if she wanted to, we could go BACK to the hobby store and get HER present, which I had framed! So we did:

Now, I imagine we will have some "stocking stuffers" and some other, smaller surprises, but after this, I feel like I'm in a better version of "The Gift of the Magi" where everything works out and everyone is happy.

What better way to start off the "holidaze"??

Dreaming A Garden

2008-12-01T15:51:00.000-08:00

Happy December 1st! As we finally seem to move into winter here in and around Pueblo, I've begun roto-tilling the front yard in order to kill the grass, in order to turn what little front lawn we had left into a veggie garden next summer. We tried to Free-Cycle the lawn, but no one seemed to want it. I've already started to envision what it's going to look like. I know that G will do most of the work (at least once we get it in), but I do a lot of the "dreaming" of things that she manages to put into place.

What better thing to do on a cold night than to dream of a lush and fertile garden in high summer, full of yummy, nutritious food things, just waiting for us to pick them? One of the first things I did was try to find a seed company that 1) did not sell any GMO (genetically modified) seeds, and 2) was in Colorado.

Well, bingo! I found both: check out Tiny Seeds, located in Northglen, Colorado. I have a strong feeling we will be buying most of our seeds from these folks, along with planting some that we have saved ourselves, and getting seeds from other folks around town who have had good luck with certain things. I hope to be able to save more of our own, and eventually become less dependent on places far, far away for seeds.

I want the new garden to be a sanctuary, a place of growth, fertility, inspiration and nourishment, not only of body but of spirit. I want to watch the honeybees and butterflies flit from flower to flower, knowing that they are making the garden a more fertile place. I want to see the preying mantises appear as if out of nowhere to manage any pests that might show up (they do that, you know). I want to sit on the warm, rich-smelling dirt while I pull weeds and send all my blessing energy down into it while I work. I want to know that if our neighbors need or want a real "home-grown" meal, all they have to do is walk down the street and pick one. I want to sit under the summer shade of the corkscrew willow tree and listen to the magic sounds of mice and lizards and other little critters crawling in and out of the lush garden growth. There will be enough to share with all creatures.

All these dreams before the grass is even gone! But dreams are what push us into manifestation. So, if we're going to manifest something wonderful, why not have big, bold, full-flowered dreams and follow them to their wonderful, blooming conclusions?

Dream big!

GG

P & Ps

2008-11-30T08:10:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, G had some plantains at a Mexican restaurant when she went with a friend. She loved them, and wanted me to figure out how to fix them at home. I've never cooked them before, in fact, only eaten them a few times, but that, of course, is a challenge to me. Last year for Christmas, G. had given me about 5 Rick Bayless cookbooks. I had expressed an interest in his cooking, and next thing I knew--BAM! (to paraphrase Emeril), I had an entire library of his cookbooks. God bless her.

Sad to say, I haven't used any of them, but I pulled out his "authentic" cookbook and found a recipe for fried plantains. I know that most restaurants deep fry them, but I didn't want that. So, armed with a bit more knowledge about plantains, a recipe that I could semi-follow (I rarely follow a recipe to the "T" unless it's a baking recipe and then only the first time I make it), and my previous experience making bananas Foster for large crowds when I worked in the hotel biz, I set about making pancakes and plantains for breakfast.

Not wanting to brag, but they turned out DAMN good! Following is the recipe for the plantains that I kind of made up as I went along. The pancakes were made from a boxed mix.

GG's P&Ps (pancakes and plantains)

Pancake batter (enough for 5 or 6 medium-sized pancakes)
2 plantains (must be VERY ripe--black, and soft/squishy to the touch)
1/4 c brown sugar
1/4 c orange juice
water for thinning
2 - 3 Tbl. of creme brulee liqueur (I used this, but you can also use rum)
1 - 2 Tbl. cinnamon (or to taste)
Butter (DO NOT USE ANYTHING ELSE)

Make the pancakes. While they are bubbling and waiting to be turned over, peel the plantains. They are a little harder to peel than regular bananas, so try to keep them whole as you get the peel off. I cut off both ends and slit the peel lenthwise, and did it that way.

Slice the plantains on the diagonal into 1/4" rounds. Set aside till pancakes are done. Plantains do not oxidize (turn dark) like bananas, so you don't have to put anything on them.

Once the pancakes are done, put them on a plate in a warm (250) oven while you make the syrup.

Melt some butter in a skillet over medium heat, enough to coat the bottom, but not so much to "drown" the plantains. Sautee the plantain rounds in the butter till golden brown on both sides, maybe 3 to 5 minutes per side. If you need to do them in 2 batches (I did), just put the done ones in a bowl on the stove.

After the plantains are done, add about 2 to 3 Tbl of butter to the skillet and let melt. Add the brown sugar and mix with the butter until melted and it becomes less "gritty". You want all the sugar to melt and be smooth. Add the cinnamon.

Once these have become well mixed and fairly dark, add the orange juice. The liquid will hiss and bubble and the syrup will start to form. Add the liqueur or rum and mix well with a whisk or fork. If the syrup is too thick for your taste, add a little water or a bit more juice. Taste along the way and add more cinnamon if you like.

When the syrup has reached the desired consistency, add the plantains back into the pan and stir or flip to coat. Allow the syrup to come to a simmering bubble. Turn off the heat. Put the pancakes on the plates, and spoon the plantain mixture over.

Enjoy with a fresh cup of coffee or a mimosa or whatever you like.

Yum, yum, yum, on a cold, snowy morning!!

GG

Nothing Is Broken

2008-11-29T06:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, after I finished work, I had some errands to run. G. was at a friend's house working on quilting projects, and I had the car. So, off I went to one place to get G's Christmas present taken care of--all paid and they are holding it for me since I have nowhere to hide it here; the store (we're getting together tomorrow with a dear friend for a belated TG and Mah-Jongg), and the bank(s) to get various financial things accomplished.

All the while, driving from place to place, I was listening to a new Abraham CD that a friend had loaned us. I have been aware of and listening to Abraham's messages for about 11 years now. These are supposedly "channeled" messages from a non-physical group of beings that collectively call themselves "Abraham".

Abraham is (are?) channeled by a woman named Esther Hicks, and quite honestly, I don't know from channeling, so I don't know if this collective entity really does speak through her from "beyond" or if she just makes the stuff up. But, I tell you this, if she DOES make it up, she is a hell of a lot more evolved and "in tune" than most of us here on Earth slogging away for our daily wage. In the end, it doesn't really matter. It's the message that matters, and then what you do with it, which is true of any form of philosopy or religion, right?

I won't get into the details of Abraham's many messages; you can click on the link above for that.

All I can say is, that when I listed to this message or messages, I have such a feeling of "rightness" in my gut, in my soul, if you will. It takes me right to the core beliefs that I have held for as long as I can remember, only I have never been able to articulate them in such a wonderful and exact fashion.

The one thing that stuck with me yesterday, and I have posted about this tangentially before, is that it is Abraham's firm contention that nothing in our world is broken. Once, again, I point to the media, whose sole purpose seems to be keeping watchers and readers in a constant state of panic and worry about anything and everything that goes on in the world, from terrorism and unrest in parts of the world that most of us have never heard of, to fear and loathing of our own water and food supplies.

I'm not saying that these things don't exist. Of course, they do. But they exist because we ALLOW them to. We ACCEPT that "this is how the world is" and we go on wallowing in it. It's difficult not to, but it is possible. Case in point: in 2001, when I separated from my 2nd husband, before I met G, I was living in a very small but wonderful apartment that was the top floor of an old house. We only had 1 TV in our house, and it belonged to him before I moved to CO, so naturally, he kept the TV. For 1 year, I lived without a TV. I was also only working part time, 3 days a week, with a 100-mile-a-day commute, so with limited funds, I didn't subscribe to a newspaper either.

One morning, I was going up the elevator on the way to work, and this man turns to me and says, "What about that Joe Blow?" At that time, right after 9/11, Joe Blow was that young American man who had been captured as a member of Al Queda or the Taliban, and charged with treason. Well, other than seeing the events of 9/11 ON 9/11 at work, I really didn't know what was going on with that, and I said to the man, "I'm sorry I don't know who you are talking about." He looked at me like I was from Mars, as well I might have been. How could you not know this? his expression clearly said, and why wouldn't you want to? But you know what? I was a LOT happier in that year with no TV yammering at me about how awful things were, than I'm sure I would have been if I had listened to CNN every day.

But I am digressing from my point. My point is that NOTHING that happens in this world is random. Nothing. We create it. We all say we want "world peace" and I suppose we do, but only on certain terms. And in the desiring of world peace, all we seem to do is to continue to focus war and terrorism, war and terrorism, war and terrorism. So, even though we are WANTING world peace, what do we actualy GET? War and terrorism. Because that is where we focus. And when you want one thing, but focus on something else, the something else is what you get.

Oh, you say, but if we don't fight back, if we don't DEFEND ourselves, what then? Well, what IF we pulled out of Iraq? What IF started spending that money on feeding our children REAL food in schools instead of high fructose corn syrup and overprocessed wheat? What IF we went into inner cities and instead of building new high-rise $500,000 condos that will be foreclosed on in a few months, we took just ONE of those lots and turned it into a community garden that would feed people and bring them together? What IF we actually went to the library and READ books on the cultures behind the terrorists, and dug down to find root causes instead of reading only headlines and hearing sound bytes, and giving ALL our precious attention to the very things that we DO NOT WANT? What IF we began to turn our focus, not to events playing out in parts of the world that are only names on a map, but RIGHT WHERE WE ARE? I think if we all did that, even for a month, that we would see a HUGE shift in what happens in our lives and in the world.

Mother Teresa said it best: She said she would always work FOR peace, but she would never joint a protest AGAINST war. Do you see the difference? Do you say there is no difference? If you think there is no difference in working FOR or AGAINST something, then you will always have what you are working AGAINST.

What you resist, persists. I don't know who said that originally, but I had a boss once who used to say it all the time, and it is so true. What you resist, persists. It's like you are pushing against a door to open it, but the hinges of the door are made to go in the opposite direction, so the harder you push, the tighter the door closes. You could push as hard as you possibly could forever, and you will not change the direction of those hinges. Whereas if you would just stop for a moment and actally LOOK at the door, you might notice how the hinges work, and then you could easily PULL the door open.

Nothing in our world is broken, it is all a matter of perspective, a matter of working FOR or AGAINST. And it is up to us, to every, single, each one of us, because nothing happens in the law or in politics that has not already happened at the "grassroots" level. Laws are not passed proactively. All laws are REACTIVE, they are in response to things that have been going on for long periods of time, but have finally gotten big enough to be noticed, so a law must then be passed, 1) either to ensure that whatever has been happening keeps happening, or 2) to keep what happened from happening again.

In the end, it all comes down to focus and attention, and how you feel when you do it. If you put your attention on a situation, and it makes you feel bad, and nervous and tied up in knots, maybe it would be better to focus on what makes you feel better. Or, if you have no choice but to focus on the uncomfortable thing, i.e. a job you don't like, then spend some time focusing on the better parts of it. I have worked in a lot of jobs that I did not care for, and I can tell you that even in the WORST jobs that I had, there was something positive in all of them.

People may read this and say, "Oh, this is all so 'Pollyana-ish'" and maybe that's true.

But, if the world is as bad as everyone makes it out to be, and this "philosophy" offers you a way to really change it, wouldn't it be worth a try?

I mean, really, what have we got to lose besides war, terrorism, bad debt, worry, anxiety, poverty and fear?

Pretty scary, huh?

GG

Happy Thanksgiving and A Moment of Silence

2008-11-27T07:32:00.000-08:00

The crankiness seems to have lifted. Not sure if it's planetary, hormonal, or gravitational, but I feel better. For this, on Thanksgiving, I am truly thankful.

We will have a quiet Thanksgiving here. Our lovely neighbors, R&R, who have been incredibly kind and accepting of us, have invited us down to their house for the big meal. I think we will walk, now that G. got her staples out and got the green light to do activites "as tolerated".

My daughter is doing her own meal with new hubby and his 2 kids along with hers. She just got diagnosed with wrist tendinitis, so she decided to buy a pre-cooked meal from one of the grocery stores, so I'm sure that will be fun for them. I'm glad she's starting her own traditions. Maybe next year, I'll feel more like cooking for all of us.

I'm completely thankful for my job here at home (and I must get back to it!), happier in my relationship than I've ever been, proud of my daughter, love my grandkids, and hopeful for our country now with a new leader.

Despite what the media continue to tell us, we ARE doing well here, so turn off the TV, fold up the newspaper, and just enjoy being right where you are, right now. Savor a quiet of a moment of true gratitude.

Thank you.

GG

The Crankiness Continues...

2008-11-26T07:12:00.000-08:00

Right now, the work server is down so I am waiting for word that I can reconnect and hopefully get some more work done before we leave to get G. up to the doctor's so she can get her staples out. That is a good thing. I hope that I will be less of a flaming bitch than I have been the last few days. I am just not sure what is going on with me. I feel fine. I'm not depressed. I'm not stressed over Thanksgiving, in fact, it's going to be so low-key it probably won't even be noticed. I'll be working, my daughter decided she's just going to buy a pre-made meal from one of the grocery stores and they might do something with her new husband's family, which I think is great.

I have to work, but then later, we might walk down the street to our neighbors who have kind of given us a standing invite at their home for any holiday celebration. They have 2 little granddaughters who love Peaches, which is how we met a few years ago.

Anyway. That's all good. But it's like I've got some kind of little thorn in my brain, and everything anyone says anything to me, it jabs my head a little more and I get ticked off.

Example: My 2nd late husband was a photographer, and had lot of antique cameras as a hobby, and also some really nice standard lenses. Recently, we have been wanting to upgrade our digital camera to a digital SLR, that is, I mentioned that I wanted to do that. So, now, G is kind of on a mission to find this camera and make sure the lenses swap out, etc. That is really, really sweet. But for some reason I cannot explain, it's just ticking me off. Is that nuts, or what?

Then, she mentioned that we could try to put the old cameras on E-bay (something we have talked about before) and try to get rid of them. Again, it ticks me off and I don't know why. It's almost like, what I'm reading into her comments--and I FULLY admit that I'm doing this, it's really NOTHING on her part--that, oh, we have this box of "stuff" in cabinet, we need to get rid of the "stuff". Not because it belonged to a former husband, or anything like that, but just because it's THERE and we're not using it, so it must be gotten rid of. I just feel totally "contrary", like whatever she says, I am going to take exception to for no reason at all.

I know this is a "phase" but right now it's making me crazy. I get up in the mornings with the best of intentions NOT to let this go on, to work on keeping an open heart, and a charitable dispotion towards everyone, strangers and bad drivers included, and somehow, it all just shrivels up at the first sign of "misbehavior" from anyone. Or just because someone talked to me.

Maybe I really am becoming a hermit down here in the basement. I just do not know. If anyone has any insight in to this, planetary positions, whatever, please feel free to share it.

I'm almost afraid of taking the drive to Co. Springs today, but I will really work on keeping things on an even keel.

GG

Being Grumpy

2008-11-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

I have Mondays off. Today, G and I had some errands to run--stuff to the post office to be mailed, trip to the craft store to look for some fabric for another quilt project that she is working on, visit to the health food store to pick up a few things, etc. This seemed like a very innocuous list of things to do, but somehow it turned into the trip from hell, and I'm not sure why. I am beginning to wonder if working from home can cause agoraphobia. Well, I guess agoraphobia is not quite the word, because I'm not AFRAID to leave home, I have just become completely intolerant of the ignorant idiots I seem to consistently encounter when I leave the safety and comfort of my own house.

Maybe it's just the contrast. When I was doing paralegal work, and being the sole support for 3 busy attorneys, and answering all the phone calls, and doing all the filing, etc., etc., etc., I dealt with moronic, rude people all the time, every day, pretty much every time I picked up the telephone. So, maybe I just got used to it.

Now, however, I don't talk on the phone, I've got my headphones on from 7 a.m. till I'm done, and I hardly even hear the phone ring. I don't have to deal with nasty people who came into the office demanding to see the attorneys without an appointment (SERIOUSLY, folks, would you go to your doctor's office without and appointment--without even CALLING??), and all the other good stuff I had to handle 8 to 9 hours a day. So, maybe I'm out of the habit. There are no "office politics". My company is HQ'd in Florida. My boss is--maybe she's in Florida, I don't even know. My coworkers are scattered across the country, and we communicate via IM, and everyone is invariably polite and helpful to one another. There's no "cattiness", no back biting, no jockeying for any kind of favoritism or position. Frankly, it's damn near perfect.

Which is why, I suppose, that when I go out into the cruel world, it really just slaps me upside the head. Bad drivers, tail-gaters, people who can't seem to see that G. is USING A WALKER FOR GOD'S SAKE AND CAN'T YOU SLOW DOWN FOR JUST TEN SECONDS to let her cross the parking lot? All that silly little stuff that I just to just shrug off that for some reason today just sent me right through the roof.

Of course, I'm going into the 3rd WEEK of my period, so that might have a WEE bit to do with it (I know, TMI, sorry), but it just seems like when I leave the house now, which is rare, the that whole world is headed straight to hell on greased rails. I have no answers.

G. has her 1st follow up appointment with the doctor on Wednesday to get her staples out, so between now and then, I need a major attitude adjustment. She tells me I am making her too nervous to even be in the car, and that's got to change.

Wish me luck!

GG

I'm Buying My Postcard Tomorrow...

2008-11-23T15:16:00.000-08:00

I found the graphic on Old Crone's blog. I don't need another graphic right now, though I may add it, so I'm putting the link.

http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/page/Project+Postcard?t=anon

I think it's a great way for people all over the country to let our new President-elect know that ALL Americans should have the right to marry!

Thanks for putting it on your blog, OC!!

GG

I Stronly Urge You...

2008-11-22T18:50:00.000-08:00

Zantac. Zyrtec. Xanax. Zyprexa. Celexa. Zithromax. Maxzide. Fluocinonide.

Do you know what these drugs are? What they do? The difference between them?

Milligrams. Micrograms. Milliliters. Milliequivalents. MDI.

Do you know the amounts? The difference? The effects of confusing one with the other?

Hypertension. Hypothyroidism. Hiatal hernia.

Do you know which is deadly? Which is chronic? Which is possibly correctable with surgery?

These are things I type every day. I actually DO know what they are, and so do the doctors. But I'm the lucky one that gets to decipher the heavily accented, or lazily slurred, or yawned or mumbled words that the majority of the doctors I type for so very, VERY disrespectfully dictate every day.

Not disrespect to ME. No. Truthfully, I personally could not care less how a doctor dictates, although the machine-gun-talkers and the drunk-sounding slurring ones really drive me NUTS. I can actually forgive the ESL (English as a 2nd language) docs--they have an uphill battle.

But when American born and educated doctors cannot take the time to correctly SAY a medication or a dosage, or a condition, it is THEIR OWN PATIENTS that they are not only disrespecting, but possibly endangering.

As a transcriptionist, I NEVER guess on a medication or a dosage. If Dr. Super Surgeon YAWNS through his milligrams or micrograms, and I am not 100% sure, I leave a blank. This might mean a black mark for me, but Dr. SS's patient is NOT going to get the wrong dosage of medication or the WRONG medication because of me. Nope. Not gonna happen.

So, I urge you, the next time you go to your doctor, ask him or her if he or she has ever considered how their dictation of YOUR chart note might affect your care.

It could give them pause for thought.

I thank you.

GG

Sounds Corny, but....

2008-11-22T10:56:00.000-08:00

Take the Veggie Test! If you can't read the tiny print, my results were "corn on the cob":

"You're corn on the cob!

You're a little bit country and a little bit messy, but in a good way. You have a relaxed, easygoing personality that reminds us of summer vacation. You're a bright, fascinating person on the inside, but sometimes, people have to get to know you (and pull away your outer layers) before they realize just how great you are. We have the strangest urge to dip you in butter and sprinkle you with salt."

I don't know, could be fun! Click on the photo to vegetize yourself! (This "analysis" is actually more spookily accurate!)

Have a Good Night...

2008-11-20T17:53:00.001-08:00

Glorious!

Sending Thoughts and Prayers...

2008-11-20T06:25:00.000-08:00

To Jess as she and her wife, Tina keep vigil for Jess' grandmother. I know they are in a lot of pain and worry right now and would appreciate all good and kind thoughts for them.

Go read Jess' posts about her grandparents. Warning: You'll need some Kleenex. She's very lucky to have such great folks in her family and in her life. I admit to being envious, never having had much of a relationship with either set of my "grands".

Many blessings to all of you,

GG

When Fall Comes...

2008-11-18T16:42:00.000-08:00

The Ache

Oh fly upon the currents fast
The geese of Heaven's journey;
Nailed close unto your airy path,
You guide thought's wandering arrow.
Within the downy breasts above
Resides the dream of travel,
Pilgrims to an unknown land,
You follow Nature's compass.

Heed the haunting call,
Listen well, for winter comes
And upon the cool sweet air,
The drifting swirling thermal drafts
Fly the geese, the beckoning geese.

In their migrant flights live our dreams
We ache to follow, to spread our wings and soar,
Trusting the leader to let us fly with our own true vision
Never blocked by errant clouds.
Pulled and carried by the
True North of our emerging souls,
The spirit within hears
The haunted honking from the mists of distance
And begins the journey home.

Thank You, Keith

2008-11-17T12:38:00.000-08:00

It IS all about love,

Friends

2008-11-17T08:16:00.000-08:00

About a week before G's surgery, unbeknownst to her, I sent out a little flyer to a number of our friends, just letting them know the surgery was a "go", and when her expected due home date was. I also said that if anyone wanted to call or stop by on Sunday (yesterday), that they would be very welcome.

One of the things G did pre-surgery was paint the garage. Yes, I know. The boys "helped" her with one side of it, and I did some ladder work (which I HATE) on the front, but by God, she HAD to have the whole thing done, so she somehow got all but about 4 feet of trim at the very peak in the front finshed. That unfinished section was driving her crazy and she "blessed" it under her breath every time we drove in and out of the garage. We don't have an extension ladder, or she would have done it, despite doctor's orders to STAY OFF LADDERS.

The night before she came home, one of our friends called and said that she and her husband (who is a school custodian and general handy guy) would be happy to come over on Sunday and paint that for her as a "get well" gift. I thought that was so great! And what a surprise for her!

She'd gotten a few phone calls during the week, and by Sunday kind of knew I had told folks what was going on; she just didn't know I had sent out an actual notice. She should have known something was up, though, when I made my special blintz casserole with blueberry sauce--not just a 2 person proposition.

Around 10 am, our friend J. called, wanting to know if she could stop by soon, which was fine. We had not seen much of her in a while since she and her partner split, and she had made a couple of moves, finally settling into a house barely 3 miles from us. She came over and brought G the last of her snap dragons from her yard (we're having VERY warm weather this fall).

We had a lovely visit, and found out she is now teaching art at the local community college. If you want to check out here work, go here. She's an amazing pastel artist.

Then, we had just settled down for a rest, when the doorbell rings and it's our friends G&L (yes, another set of G&L). It was the first time L had been to the house, as she is a civillian in the Air Force and had been in Iraq the times before when G. had visited. We were really happy to see them, and G., bless her heart, and brought us home made chicken soup, home made rolls and an apple pie!! Yay for friends!

I got to give them the tour of the house and yard, and my G. got to make her mandatory trip down the 3 steps off the back porch. Then, while we were sitting in the living room, G. sees a truck with a ladder in the back pull up. She says, kind of suspicious, "Who's in that truck with the ladder?" "Oh," I say, "That's D & G, and they're going to finish painting the garage!"

She was literally speechless. She got all teary-eyed and tried to hide it. I told her I knew it was bugging her no matter what she said, and I just worked it out to get it fixed for her. They came in and chatted for a bit with all of us, and then I went to help them get situated with the paint, a brush and their ladder. It took maybe 30 mins, having to move the ladder a few times. G was saying how happy she was to actually DO something for someone, because so many times friends will go through things like surgery or a death, or whatever, and she will ask if they need anything, and every one says, Oh, no, I'm fine, I don't need anything, and you know they DO. She was glad I had reached out. And so was I because *I* was not getting up on that ladder to paint the garage!! If necessary, I would have hired someone, but it's great to have friends who will step up.

The sun was going down by the time everyone left, and G was lying on the couch, pretty physically and emotionally exhausted, but in a good way. She was still a little weepy, because for most of her life a "friend" meant someone you got shit-faced drunk with and had to listen to them tear you down, and that was about it. Her whole past relationship was 15 years revolved around a drunk, dysfunctional family that she basically took care of. So, the concept of having a REAL friend is fairly new to her even though she has the art of BEING a friend down pat.

So, today we have good food in the fridge, flowers on the table, and a fully painted garage. And I promised her I'd take her to the coffee shop today, so I better get going.

Have a great day, all you friends out there!

GG

Good Enough to Slap Yer Mamma

2008-11-16T09:50:00.000-08:00

I made sweet potato/maple muffins to take up to G. while she was in the hospital. I got the recipe from The New Basics Cookbook by Sheila Lukins and Julee Rosso, but I have made some modifications that work for me. Even if you belive you do not like sweet potatoes, do try this recipe, and for GOD'S sake do NOT use the crap that passes as "maple syrup" in the regular grocery store. Pay the few bucks and get a small bottle of the real stuff. Trust me, you won't regret. Otherwise, I'll have to sic Syd on ya.

Sweet Potato Maple Muffins

1 sweet medium sweet potato
1-1/2 C unbleaced all purpose flour
Pinch of salt
2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. allspice
1/8 tsp. ground cloves
1 tsp. cinnamon (added)
6 TBL (3/4 stick) butter (NOT margarine--see above note re: maple syrup)
1/2 C. packed brown sugar (orig was 3/4 C)
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 C. milk
3/4 C. maple syrup

Cut the sweet potato into quarters and steam in a pan with a steamer basket until tender. Take out of pan and allow to cool. The skins will slip right off the pieces; mash with a fork or puree in a food processor until smooth. Set aside.

While the potato is steaming, butter two 8-cup muffin tins or use liners.

In a large bowl, sift together the flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, allspice, cloves, and cinnamon.

In another bowl, cream the butter and brown sugar (I use this brand, and love it, and yes, they sell it a WalM@art). Add the eggs and beat well. Then stir in the milk, maple syrup and reserved mashed sweet potato and mix thoroughly.

Lightly add the dry ingredients on top of the liquids and with a spatula FOLD the dry ingredients in until they are just incorporated. This makes for a very light, airy muffin. Try not to overmix. The batter will be lumpy.

Spoon into muffin cups about 2/3 full. Bake in a pre-heated 350 degree oven till they test done in the center with a toothpick.

A little butter, cup of coffee...you'll be in muffin heaven.

So good, you'll want to slap yo mamma--but not your granny!

Check out the New Girls!!

2008-11-15T10:53:00.000-08:00

It's a combination of 40 fish coming out out of the water and not drowning! It's colorful and collaborative! It's some of the best of butch/femme (No, Tina and Jess, I'm not forgetting about you...)!

It's....

Casa De Los Inas!!!

Go check them out at once!!

Back to work,

GG

There's Not Much..

2008-11-15T09:19:00.000-08:00

...I can really do about this whole "gay marriage" thing. I put that in quotes because there should be no division between "gay" or "straight" marriage. If 2 consenting adults want to get married, then they ought to be able to GET MARRIED.

Period. Full stop.

As I have blogged before, NOTHING in the Constitution of the United States speaks to this. No where in that document does it say "one man, one woman". No.

There are prostest marches in every state today. The closest one to me is in Denver, 120 miles away. Did I not have to work, and were G not just out of surgery, it's possible that we might have gone. But, we're not. So, I just blog again about how silly this whole thing is.

Constitutionally, LEGALLY, there is nothing against ANY 2 consenting adults marrying, as long as they are not related. Not pets, not children, not inanimate objects as some folks are so happy to leap to those bizarre conclusions. Just 2 consenting adults loving each other and wanting to legally and publically commit to one another.

The last I checked, the U.S. Constitution trumped pretty much everything else as far as the LAW goes.

Just sayin'.

GG

Pooped

2008-11-13T20:08:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired my eyes are crossing. There are so many things I want to blog about and one of them is that I WISH Blogger would figure out how to let us password-protect individual posts instead of having to do the whole blog. Makes me (almost) want to go to WordPress, except I don't have time to become an HTML expert and a web designer on top of it. I like the ease of Blogger, except for that.

G. is home, tucked in, getting to the bathroom, having her leg moved in her funky little machine, and so far has been in very little pain. She has about 50 staples in her leg. She got several phone calls from folks today and a get-well card which made her feel good. The poor dog has no idea how to react. I cooked a lot of stuff, but I need to make some bread. Most of the laundry is done and put away. It's a first.

I did my first operative report today and really liked it. I think if I ever do go back to work outside of the house, I might like to be a surgical tech--go figure, eh? I think I could deal with patients as long as they were unconscious.

I have too many thoughts whirling around in my head tonight. I hope I can sleep, 'cause I've been up since 4 a.m.

Later, 'taters...

Amazing!

2008-11-11T16:27:00.000-08:00

She WALKED on her leg today! I just can't get my head around it, but she did. Due to work, having to run some errands, and picking up the dog, I did not get up there today, but it was just as well, since the doctor did not write for her antidepressant yesterday and she was not feeling so good this morning. They got it situated quickly, and she was much better this afternoon, but feeling a bit groggy, so I am going to go up tomorrow afternoon and take the boys.

I miss seeing her, but I DID get her Christmas present situated today, which is sometimes hard, given that I usually don't go anywhere much unless we are together, so that is all taken care if, and I do think it will be a big hit!!

I am pretty pooped myself, but have some things to do in the kitchen, so better get myself off to do them.

Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett...

GG

Flying Colors

2008-11-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

G. came through the surgery like a trouper! The doctor and all staff have been fabulous. The hosptial is new and is like a hotel, with "room service". She's in a private room, and the first thing she wanted when she got there was a Starbuck's coffee. I knew then that all was well!

The anesthesiologist did nerve blocks on her femoral and sciatic nerves, and before they even took her to surgery, her entire left leg was completely numb.

She's planning on having a zipper tattooed over her scar once it heals.

More later, it's going to be a busy day....

GG

Faceb00k, Family, Religion and Other "Sensitive" Topics

2008-11-09T08:03:00.000-08:00

I joined Faceb00k the other day, after speaking with my sister. She mentioned that my 2 of my nephews (who I've not seen in over 10 years--long story) and my brother were on there, so I thought it might be a way to keep in touch. After setting up the basic page, etc., I've discovered I really don't like it all that much, mainly because the font or print or whatever they use is microscopic and I've reached an age where I can only read tiny print without my glasses and held very close to my nose. Can't do that with a computer monitor.

On Faceb00k, you can write on your "Wall" and comment on what other people have written on THEIR "walls". Yesterday, one of my brothers wrote on his

"Are you prepared? Check yourself."

Me, being the smartass that I am, replied with the following:

"Check, check, test, test...Specticles, testicles, wallet and watch....yep, seems like I've got everyth...ooops don't need the testicles....that was only a test, you know!!!"

The "specticles...etc" remark is a quotation from the movie "Nuns on the Run" with Eric Idle and Robby Coltrane, and pertains to one of them teaching the other how to make the sign of the Cross. So, yes, it was me being irreverent and nonserious. I guess underneath it all, I knew what he was referring to, and I asked for the response I got which was:

"You should be checking to make sure you have filled your God spot correctly.....with God. Time is short. Make fun if you will. It is paramount to redeem the remaining time to try and gather as many as possible before the end comes. I will not go quietly. Shout it from every rooftop and mountain that Jesus Christ is Lord. Lost souls take heed! Check yourself and prepare for the imminent return of the King. Praise El Olam."

Whatever. As I said, deep down, I probably expected that kind of a response. My youngest brother and I used to be very close, even though we're 8 years apart. When he was just starting high school, he got into playing D&D, and when I'd come home from college, he wanted me to hang out with him and his D&D buddies. Not many teenaged boys want their OLDER sister to do that. Conversely, I took him to a couple of S/F conventions in Alanta and got him hooked on reading.

Then, through the various twists and turns of life, he went into the Army right out of high school, met and married his first wife, and became, Praise The Lord Born Again. Suddenly, every thing he had read (i.e. science fiction) or done (D&D) or listened to (metal rock music) as OF THE DEVIL and had to be done away with. I heard from my sister that he and wifey had a bonfire in their back yard where they burned all his music tapes, etc. Again, whatever. At that time, I was struggling with being married to an abusive, pathological liar of a con-man, and struggling to keep food on the table with a new baby, so, while his actions saddened me, I couldn't spend too much time worrying about him, given that he was an Army paratrooper and living in another state. He'd just have to take care of himself.

We're not what I would call a "close" family. Oh, there's no real "trauma" or dysfunction, but the 4 of us (me, brother S, sister M, and brother P) could not possibly be more different or have different philosophies of life had we been raised by different families on different continents. I find it kind of odd, since we WERE raised together by parents who never divorced and had, on the whole, a pretty normal and generally affectionate relationship, and had no problem telling us that we were loved, etc. It's an interesting study in "nature vs. nurture".

I write on this topic because it really points out to me how much a part of "standard" religion FEAR is. As I have mentioned before, I am studying shamanism, and one of the most wonderful things about this is the philosophy that NOTHING is separate from God, or the Higher Power, or the Source of All, or whatever you want to call it.

Every person, every animal, every stone of the ground and every atom that makes up all creation is MADE OF GOD. And since we are all OF GOD, how can we be separate from God?

That is really what the big 3 religions are about. "Original sin" and being "cast out" for knowing too much. Only the "initiated" i.e. priests, ministers, etc. can "know" God, so THEY get to tell you what "God wants", when in reality it just a big bunch of fear mongering so that they can have some kind of "control"--control of actions, control of pocket books, control of "souls".

I mean, why else would my 15-year-old nephew join a group on Faceb00k called:

"I BET I CAN FIND ONE MILLION PEOPLE WHO WANTS BARACK OBAMA IMPEACHED"

Like that's his OWN thinking coming forward, right. Now, I don't know this young man, unfortunately, but I do know he was home-schooled by his mother, a bitter (because my brother divorced her), judgmental, narrow-minded, fundamenalist ninny. Yes, okay, my own judgments are showing.

As I recently posted over on The Lesbian Lifestyle we do need to accept and allow those who do not agree with us, but it is even more important to examine your own beliefs, to test them against the fundamentalists, the Buddhists, the atheists, the Republicans, the Democrats, anything you can possibly test them against.

It is SO important to know not only WHAT you believe, but WHY you believe it, and HOW it makes a difference in your life, rather than just blurting out pre-chewed scripture or warnings that "they" are going to Hell if "they" don't believe this or that way. Hate IS a taught "value".

I was thinking of taking my Faceb00k page down, but now I think I'll leave it up. I'll keep on reading those sad, scary posts by members of my own family. And I'll keep sending them love and blessings, instead of warnings and hate.

The shamans believe that everything is just different forms of energy, from the "heavy" energy of conflict to the "refined" energy of pure spirit. I believe this, not only because of what I'm studying now, but because of so many things in my own life that have pointed me in this direction long before I had a name for it. I can transform that energy myself. We all can. By the power of our own thoughts and dreams, we can rebuild this entire world, one atom at a time. I'm starting now, with my own crazy family.

What about you?

GG

Oh, PS, if you've got this far and are interested "El Olam" means "the everlasting God" in Hebrew. Just FYI.